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Oops. Just noticed there’s a “Personal Experiences” subforum that’d’ve been a better fit for this thread. :\
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One thing I keep noticing happening, not sure what to call it, but every so often I receive an out-of-“nowhere” string of memories (almost always bad ones, but sometimes wholly “new” or “branched off” fantasies) that seemingly rewrite themselves into worse versions which cause me to instantly get angry for no apparent reason until I catch myself. If I don’t somehow put a stop to it, these Bad Thoughts will invariably turn hateful and violent. And even then the aggression stays a while more often than not, especially after the violent kinds. These happen more often when I’m blue and bored, or already in a bad mood. Sometimes I notice them occurring after or during loud, aggressive music, too. Even if it’s a “happy” tune, or if I happen to be attracted to the singer. I should start watching and noting when and how they occur…
“…albeit it seems to be on-and-off, sporadic…”
Not sure if I should post more of the little things, as not only can’t I remember most except after later reflection — or just later able to put into words long after I’ve moved on (most of these little things are “tossed into the mind-stream” as most the time I’m busy-busy with my job and other basics of living, with no guarantees of seeing them again) — I figured it’d be in poor form to spam the forum with the likes of the following 2-3 times daily:
“I find myself putting effort into ‘little honesties’: instead of saying ‘everything’ I say ‘several’ if this-or-that really is several, or ‘multiple’ instead of ‘several’ if it’s like 3-4 of this-or-that.”
“Oops, this morning I found myself gossiping and bad-mouthed a coworker! There has to be less nasty subjects to talk about during the rare moments we CAN talk.”
“I wonder if comedic exaggerations like ‘…smells like the swarming of demonic frog zombies…’ counts as a ‘lie even in jest’, and instead I should say ‘…like rotten eggs tossed at a chicken carcass…’?”
That, and I don’t always both have the time AND am “in the mood” to sit and write, even though I probably should more often as typing about whatever’s on my mind (even if it’s negative) is relaxing and sometimes “mentally-/emotionally-healing”.
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“We know that the seat of the mind and that of the heart lie very close together. [snip]”
Some tasty brain-food to chew on for a while! And I definitely relate with my neutral moods opening the doors to my bad habits… :(
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“In fact, that is a good way to check your progress. Do you fall less and less each new week or each new month? If so, you are making progress. Keep it up and you will feel the joy of not falling for a whole day, a whole week soon enough!”
And maybe I can say “I only ate FOUR pizza slices and not the whole thing”, too!
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Thank you again everyone for the helpful advice!
@Lal Makes sense. Thank you for letting me know why I’ve yet to really “get” (except on an academic/intellectual level) all the stuff I’ve been reading and listening to over the years! Maybe also a case of too much brain, not enough heart?
@inflib Interesting insurance plan. I know thanks to my new phone that I walk about 13,000 steps every work day so I ought to ask my healthcare provider if they have a similar program.
Excellent job on habit-breaking! I’ll do my best to follow your wake; my biggest challenge, though, is how much my mind “changes” when I’m in certain emotional states. For example, when I’ve got the deep blues (or just bored in front of my computer; all those annoying mind-tugs to “hey, hey dude, order a pizza!” are irritating!), my rational brain “shuts off” and then it makes perfect sense to throw away >$50 on one restaurant visit to desperately try and make the hurting stop if only for a little while. Speaking of:
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Few days ago, after doing okay for a while, had a craptastic day at work and — thanks to my very bad habit of eating to feel better — I fell off the wagon yet again: >$50 for 3 guys’ worth of Chinese takeout. And I ate every bite except for a few bites of fried rice.
Decided to save about $5 on delivery and tip by ordering over the phone then biking about three blocks to pick it up. Was a huge order so it took about 20 minutes longer than usual, so I waited in their lobby.
Was calm, no background music, the only customer except others picking up their orders every so often. Only “noise” was (I’m guessing) the restaurant owner’s children laughing and playing. Both were very happy with their tablet games; one showed me excitedly saying.. something. I can’t understand little-girl-speak in my own language let alone Chinese!
I was reading PureDhamma (aimlessly flicking through random pages) in this relaxing environment all the while I myself was excited for my feast. Then I wasn’t. Then I calmed down. Then even more calm, until I realized I was neither hungry nor craving anymore. That’s about when I got my order, and all I thought was, “Oh.”
I still ate all up over the next three hours, and felt like garbage the next few days, but methinks I learned something here…
…maybe next time I’ve got the blues, the shakes, and the shudders to stuff myself ’til near-puking on >7000 calories of deep-fried pizza ice cream steaks or whatever — then awakening from my haze to be double-hit with “I just threw away 6 weeks of dieting..!” AND “I could have saved for a new bike, or bought a few CD’s (or an overpriced import), or that self-basting turkey roaster I’ve been eyeing for months..!” — I should instead sit down (outside on a park bench if need be), shut up, and fill my head with pure dhamma for about a half-hour?
Perhaps I should start, instead of trying to meditate on abstract concepts like “good” and “love” (I’ve always had trouble with abstractions like math and emotion), and instead try to do sitting meditation sessions while slowly feeling and pinching my belly fat etc and thinking about all the health issues that accompany THIS, not just what I HAVE but what I COULD like diabetes and heart attacks, both of which (like predisposition towards depression and similar mental illnesses) run in the family from BOTH SIDES…
Would something like this help?* Or only make me feel worse/guilty/angry instead of its intended purpose of spurring and sparking motivation towards healthier food choices?
- WTCMM? If I can lessen many health issues with being heavy, if I can feel less preoccupied with looking worse (I’m a vain individual :( ), I should have more energies freed up for seeking activities to help generate niramisa sukha instead of being locked up in negativity. At least that’s the conclusion of my ignorance-covered mind.
A few days ago, methinks I broke the 2nd precept with:
1) Particular piece of dessert at work (my job is at a restaurant) I’ve always wanted to try
2) With two other coworkers, taking it out of the walk-in freezer
3) Half-jokingly ask if there were any “broken” ones (ie, cannot be sold)
4) One coworker is confused, the second mentions I’ve always wanted to try one, the first coworker stabs a finger into it and says to the effect of, “it’s ‘broke’ now!”
5) I greedily devour it, then realize I had not only gained by immoral means (taken a $3.50 cake without paying) but set up for future 3rd and 5th precept breaking (I have a huge & probably insoluble problem with cravings to binge-eat [especially sweets!] when experiencing any strong “low” emotion from boredom to depression, and I would definitely call my comfort-food craving [which isn’t hunger or anything akin] an addiction [from powerful desire to the act itself to the simultaneous satisfaction and guilt] that drags me off the Path)Then yesterday I ate junk food like crazy, especially that philly cheesesteak pizza — kamma coming to fruition? Or mere continuation of my lifelong vicious circle of comfort-food binging?
In any case, there are several shirts and pairs of shorts I bought not long ago that do not fit anymore… and I’m disgusted by my chubby face, thunderous thighs, bouncy belly… and I’ve got a perpetually sore and swollen left ankle that my aunt (nurse practitioner) says is edema… and my lifetime of back issues have gotten way worse to the point of NEEDING potentially-dangerous levels of painkillers to survive a work day!
Now for some actual progress:
- This morning I switched my bed and my pullup stand, something I’d been putting off for a while. Vacuumed before and after moving.
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Then I removed that ratty tatami mat I’d had for at least five years, maybe four of those years dirty and torn:
https://i.imgur.com/VDgfrvL.jpg
Vacuumed after removing.
- As for music, I chose to only watch a few concerts to help wake up but spent most the rest of the pre-work morning listening to the likes of:
Warm and muggy out, and this helps! During winter, though, I need to be playing the likes of:
- Kept up with dishes. Hooray.
Thank you! I’m definitely finding myself less perpetually-aggravated without clothes and garbage strewn about everywhere. As for a plan, I’m gonna take baby-steps in several areas (one big problem of mine is becoming very inspired and motivated to self-improve, then biting off more than I can chew):
- If I find myself mindlessly clicking about FaceBook (beyond responding to family posts), switch to reading about Dhamma here or elsewhere.
- I may get back into counting calories to lose weight again (much less slowly than before so I don’t end up feeling starved and binging!) but until then I’ll slowly hack away at the bad habits I’ve developed during my depression storm, like leaving baked potatoes to snack on which are delicious and filling even without adding anything!
- Reduce caffeine consumption (another bad habit I’d picked up when I had no willpower): if I get sleepy during the day, drink a cup of unsweetened tea instead of free Starbucks black coffee. (My job does have its perks. :P ) Also, no more energy drinks! Nobody needs >1000mg in their system — that’s enough to send someone with heart issues to the emergency room.
- I’ll take your music suggestion: about 1-2 hours before bed, either shut the music off or switch to something calming like contemporary, classical, or soundscapes. (Especially if I find fast & catchy tunes playing on repeat in my head.)
- Forge the habit of doing Scooby’s Rotisserie Core Workout while breakfast is cooking. (On the kitchen floor! :D )
- Some other stuff I’m forgetting.
As for the Abhidhamma section, so far I’ve mostly just re-read the first few pages with a wrinkled forehead, despite it all sounding so cool and interesting. One of these days I may understand the words I’m reading. :) Maybe I ought to stick to Living Dhamma for the time being.
Thank you so much for the well-wishing! (Pun intended.)
Desire is pretty powerful for me, too, though in my case I believe not at the same level as the other poison of hatred and anger. Knowing how easily a firestorm of rage can whip up at the smallest infraction, I believe I need to direct most of my energies at uprooting that poison first before moving on to my addiction to junk food binges (especially when bored and depressed, hence the 50 lb weight gain) and then music. The latter probably doesn’t sound like a big deal, though when you consider:
- I’m more energized and strongly affected by sound than by sight.
- I’ve pumped my brain with all manner of songs in the past 3-4 months, rarely experiencing quiet.
- While many kinds of music can command my emotional state very well, nowadays I almost exclusively listen to songs with female Japanese singers.
- I can be as… energized… by a woman’s voice — especially if she’s singing — as specific specific features. (To put it as polite as I can.)
- I absolutely love Asian women.
Put the above together with my craving to listen to hard, heavy, aggressive music aaand…
If someone invented a “tanha detector”, I bet while listening to any the above, scanning mine would make the machine burst into flames! I’ve exercised listening to such songs and been so over-stimulated I ignored my body’s warning signs and hurt myself… several times…
Though even with the double-hit to testosterone, still not as 5th-pleasure-violating at my craving for junk food. As heated up as the above may make my mind, none of it hits my health and wealth as directly as stuffing myself to obesity on cheeseburgers and ice cream to “fill the void within”. So if I DO have to hack away at sense-pleasures, working on eating will have to come first!
Makes me worried (and not with just the exercise thing!). But I’m crossing my fingers such probable 3rd-vow breaking sense pleasures will — as Lal explains — just sort of drop away on their own so long as I’m progressing elsewhere. That’s the hope, anyway…
Also I’m beginning to dip my toes back into reading PD.net . :) Though instead of the more “religious” posts — which if I practice mostly makes me feel silly (~30 years of atheism will do that to you) — I’m finding the abhidamma section more to my liking. I’ve never been spiritual, always the propeller-head type, even if it’s right now too complex to wrap my head around I hope just a little at a time I’ll understand more and more and one day certain concepts may begin to ‘click’ a lot better than trying morning prayers which again mostly makes me feel silly, that I’m wasting my time on useless nonsense. (Not knocking anyone for whom that’s a comfort, I’m just not into that but good thing there’s multiple paths up the mountain! What little of what I began with abhidamma is “tickling my brain” even if most of it goes right over my head at the moment, so hopefully this will work a lot better than chanting foreign words and such. :) )
Also I’m sorry for acting up so hard. I’m still embarrassed about it — though not as embarrassed as I would be if I weren’t on multiple powerful mood-stabilizers! :P
Also oops, the above image link didn’t work, let’s try that again:
[slowly pokes head in through the creaking door]
…I suppose I shouldn’t dive right back in without some sort of explanation for my behavior a little while back:
- Was undergoing THE WORST “depression storm” of my life. To avoid drama, I’ll spare the specifics, but I’m sure anyone can guess the kinds of things I was thinking and doing.
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Tried different antidepressants and mood-stabilizers, am now off one and on another, and a few weeks after that now I’m feeling– well, I guess the best way I can describe it is this: most the time, just barely over the line of a “neutral baseline mood” to either bad or good. Little more often bad but nowhere near as horrible as I was. I’m still quick to anger, self-hatred, etc. but it’s not as all-encompassingly intense and only “sticks” for hours rather than days or weeks.
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Despite feeling mostly better, I’ve had many messes to clean up after my depression storm, internal and external. After about 2-3 weeks to be lazy and calm down by sitting quietly, doing nothing, I’m now beginning to VERY SLOWLY get back into the swing of things.
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External examples: I’m getting in the habit of keeping up with the dishes now that even looking at a dirty dish no longer makes me want to throw it across the room, I’ve vacuumed a few times, I don’t leave a pile of full garbage bags by my front door thinking “I’ll do it later” until they stink up the place, and so on with housework. Another thing I’m trying (but still mostly failing) is to get back on track with a healthier diet (I gained more than 50lb in less than two months, and am now suffering many health issues due to it; I’ve also probably spent somewhere in between $500-$1000 on junk food alone during that time and due to other flippant big purchases [like ~$120 on music CD’s] so now I’m about two grand in credit card debt), and doing other miscellaneous tasks instead of endlessly putting them off like oiling my bike’s chain.
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Internal examples: I’m trying to be more mindful of the words coming out of my mouth, little things (gotta start somewhere) like not to flippantly say “everybody says/does/etc” so as to not lie, trying to be more kind and thoughtful of others in many little ways. I’m still terrible with idle speech online, though, but that’s a big hole to patch so I think I’d better deal with the little ones first!
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This morning I came up with an acronym and I’m gonna slowly but surely incorporate it in my life:
WTCCMM?
Will This Calm (and/or) Cleanse My Mind?
Maybe if I can really get into the swing of things I’ll have finally earned the right to sport over $250 in 14k-gold Buddha “bling”. :)
One of these days I promise (once I have time & peace + organization of mind) to write more extensively my “progress”. =P But I just wanted to say real quick I’m not ignoring you guys’ posts and I do appreciate, plus I’m doing a LOT better this morning. Maybe I just needed to try not to do too much at once right as I got out of bed — which seemed to trigger a manic episode.. being mentally-ill makes for I guess you could call “Life On Hard-Mode” =P — and to have these playing throughout the house instead of hard rock:
https://mynoise.net/NoiseMachines/winterSoundscapeGenerator.phpslowly pokes head back in
I’ve… um… mostly been too embarrassed to return. Plus an ever-increasing pile of things I’d want to write but I don’t because reasons. But for now I’ll just post that since going from night- to day-shift things have been going much better for the past few weeks.
But then today happened:
Anicca. Every single time I TRY to change habits, follow advice here or elsewhere, engage in SOME sort of personal self-improvement project whether learning a new language or bodybuilding or Buddhism or even just cleaning up, KA-FRIGGA-BOOM an Attack happens (whether too happy or too angry or both somehow) and tornado-wrecks the house of cards I just started to stack. shakes head But I gotta get ready for the job I absolutely hate, so I can spend 80% of what I make on a home that only I live in, all that hard work with nothing and nobody to come home to but a mess and my computer into which to escape. Anicca.
Thank you, I definitely need to try your suggestions, though:
“You have dismissed my prior suggestions.”
I did? Sorry if I gave that impression; took me a while to get my Internet back, and that was part of a tumultuous past week. Time for me to get off the computer and get me to cleaning, thanks again. _b
