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Thank you again. :) Speaking of time, it’s been a bit so I’ll be bulleted:
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Got taken off that one medicine that was making me a zombie and was put on two others. Fingers crossed these work better.
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I’m getting better at catching and ending thought-streams as they arise, from imagined arguments (where I verbally curb-stomp them of course) to daydreaming about pretty girls or delicious food (in my mind they’re not much different). The latter are a lot more difficult to deal with, not because they’re any harder to catch or end but because a) I really want to get lost in these greedy thoughts, b) that’s how I’ve always “stopped” hateful thoughts. I realize now that’s counter-productive (the greed will just turn to hate when I don’t get whatever I’m fantasizing about) but it’s still a pain.
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While I’m still doing it every now and then, whenever I “eat bad” I’m finding I’m more able to know and accept exactly what I’m doing instead of getting lost in the munchies only then to find myself with “what have I done?!” self-hating sorrows. Today while ordering Chinese takeout I almost didn’t because it just seemed not worth the trouble — that and I was tired of oatmeal, eggs, broccoli, or yogurt. While I still ordered the tasty junk in the end, maybe next time the “this is pointless” will win out over the “must om nom now”? Worth a shot as trying to force myself, to say no-no-no to my comfort-food cravings, ultimately backfired each and every time for almost a decade now. But if I just don’t care maybe that’ll “take the power away” from this particular addiction?
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I’m finding that I reach much more (formal) meditative states reading PD than anything else: more than once, after reading for at least twenty minutes without distraction — and with serene music in the background — I was able to sustain for several minutes a feeling of “warm fuzzies/pricklies” mostly in and, somehow, over the surface of my face and forearms. I’ve never gotten this from reading Buddhism anywhere else. But then again what I thought was Buddhism before were mostly books by the likes of Alan Watts and Thich Nhat Hanh.
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The few times I’ve tried chanting for similar timeframes, only once was I able to reach a similar state. But it was only for a few seconds and the sensation was “shallow”. Maybe I’m doing it wrong or I’m just not the chanting type. Listening to them, yes, but not so much doing it.
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One page on PD mentioned eventually one goes from it being a chore to a desired activity. I believe I’m beginning to make that transition from “have to” to “want to”.
Thank you for that; it’s good to be reminded to rein oneself in when “common sense” advice is to give it your all, for the best advice never seems to be common. :)
As for exercise that’s also great advice; I ought to blow the dust off my stationary bike! There’s too much traffic and stop signs to get in really good cardio just biking to and from work anymore. That’ll also give me an extra push to get in more epsom salt baths like I should be doing anyway thanks to my acts-twice-its-age lower back pain. It’s all coming together.
Soothing music would definitely be a great help when needed. Many of the mostly-loud bands I’ve taken a “noise detox” on per your advice (which is helping with being overexcited at home, now if only I could turn down the sound at work…) also have calm and slow tracks that I can re-introduce. There’s always myNoise.com, too.
And then for chanting, to start off with I’ve edited some parts of the panca sila one: slowing down the more hard-to-pronounce parts (and speeding up the parts I’ve already memorized) so I can better follow along or just listen. Hopefully that’ll be a help in memorizing it so I can someday do it alone. :)
Again, thank you.
Sorry it took so long to reply; still can’t think of a satisfactory (to me) means to reply other than to nod in agreement, thanks, and sorry about the diagnosis.
That, and to be a broken record with “the drugs make me numb, man”:
From my blog.I’ve got my fingers crossed my doctor can put me on something less zombifying; I wish I could get your sense of urgency, or any overall feeling but numb. Drank so much coffee the past few days I was sick to my stomach, though. Speaking of doctors, I also hope another one does something about my back and feet pain, as almost every day I’m taking so many painkillers that I’m probably destroying my liver faster and worse than if I were an alcoholic but if I don’t I can’t do my job then I can’t pay my bills and so forth. I’m just a mess right now.
But I’m trying to force myself to at least read PD whenever I’d just me mindlessly flicking my FB feed just to take my mind off my mind.
From my facebook.
Sorry for being so doom and gloom, but… well, lying would be a dasa akusula. And “thunderous silence” doesn’t translate well over Internet posts. :P
But some good new: I feel like I’m really learning something from the Paticca Samuppāda pages!
Of course these posts of mine get practically no likes nor comments from friends and family. Sucks to have no one except over the Internet to talk to about Buddha Dhamma!Good advice! Never smart to tackle the bear before you’ve learned to catch a fish. Or… I dunno, I tried with the analogy-thing. :P
My lifelong habit of daydreaming (which I’ve been doing since at least 4-5 years old) is going to take much effort. A strong imagination plus a propensity towards introspection and introversion.. well, maybe I can use them for good, too, instead of pretending I’m playing guitar while riding a flying dragon-motorcycle to get away from thinking about schoolyard bullying from 20 years ago. Speaking of, I also need to learn how to let go of grudges. :(
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And now to finally update: the past few days I’ve felt like I was coming out of a haze. This kind of thing is normal for me: something or even apparently nothing at all will suck me back into a mental doldrum. I can’t wait to talk with the doctors next week to hopefully get me on something far less draining. Like another doctor I talked to a few days ago, it’s stymied “emotional highs” (eg, extremes of anger) but has left me in a default state of “emotional lows”.
Oh yeah, the aforementioned from Monday? I’m now officially diagnosed with autism, something I’ve been fighting for for years and years. And why? Mostly for closure, but more importantly so the help I’ve been seeking for a long time won’t keep turning me away at the door because I wasn’t legally diagnosed with anything. But now I can tell everyone “ha, told ja so”. :P
I don’t mention these things for sympathy or to “claim special-snowflake-ness” — I hate that so many misuse mental illnesses as excuses to misbehave! Anyway, I’m adding this here because I believe it’s an important milestone towards finally achieving even the smallest measure of niramisa sukha: it’s proven very hard to calm an agitated mind when I’m forever struggling to live a normal life! Maybe now doors will open for me, for example job placement (and/or put on disability? not sure yet if I want to “take advantage of ‘the system'” like this) so my current Wrong Livelihood isn’t stressing and burning me out almost all the time.
Speaking of Livelihood, even if you’re not mentally-handicapped, what are more aggravating careers than working for a casino? Not many, I imagine! But while I should feel accomplished that I’ve survived four years in a job that requires my weakest of skills and abilities, it’d be nice to work with my natural strengths for once. At yet I wonder if all this was “arranged” by kamma precisely to force me to overcome my natural weaknesses? For no matter who or where you are, no one and no where can one become financially comfortable without some measure of social skills. That, and to “punish” me for years of giving in to depression, leeching off mommy and daddy, and making many other terrible life choices during my formative years and beyond:
STILL fighting to escape. But hopefully now I can get on track towards a less unfulfilling lifestyle for the sake of dousing little by little the rattling furnace of my brain.
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Something else to report: once (out of the several times so far I’ve attempted) during a formal meditation session of mentally repeating “Why do I wish all beings safety, health, happiness, freedom from suffering?” (trying the Afformations thing), along with focusing & visualizing glowing energies gathering behind my eyes (a meditation technique I learned from the late Barry Long which has worked for me in the past), the echo-chamber of my mind calmed down just enough to feel “warm fuzzies” and “swelling chest” along with my mind becoming still except for the inner chanting. But only after several minutes fighting against “automatically” latching on to every one of those echoes bouncing by. Was only able to sustain it for a minute or two, but it felt nice while it lasted. Maybe this is the time I need to start contemplating dhamma concepts?
After watching my thoughts (even moreso than usual) I believe the bulk of my bad kamma beeja generation comes from insulting thoughts imagined towards everyone, including myself. And/or sudden memories which leave me all fouled up depending on how foul my mood already was. I’ve done this (spontaneously? kamma vipaka?) as far back as I can remember, which is in the Top Three of why I tend to blast music at myself as much as possible and/or bury my head in mindless Internet/computer sense-pleasures. :(
Anyway, nowadays when I catch myself (except during an episode when I welcome self-immolation.. hrmph) I’m more likely to “whoa nope no-no-no stop” even if I still feel heated for a while and the Bad Thoughts keep popping back up like that one Whack-A-Mole carnival game. Maybe this is when I need to stop doing whatever I’m doing (if I can) and play chants and such?
But still, I need to come up with pleasant things with which to force out those Bad Thoughts other than imagined sense-pleasures I’ll never experience. Well, maybe not yet if it works: to spark lesser fires if they can keep out the bigger ones, then deal with them at the right time? Just ruminating.
Had an ahem episode a few days ago, lasting for about 1-1/2 days. Blew up at someone close to me over a small compliment which I disagreed with (I blame the build-up of pressure from several sources across several weeks which took the tiniest trigger to release), spammed a bunch of whiny posts on FB, threw my phone across the room (hit the closet door hard — so glad I spent extra for an extra-strong case!), the next morning took over 4 hours to stop feeling sorry for myself enough to drag myself out of bed. Looking at the bright side, though, it ONLY lasted less than 2 days and only happened once this month — a big improvement over about once a week and lasting several days like I was before taking my current mood stabilizer.
Speaking of, that thing’s working too well: most days I’m SO calm I barely have any energy left over from my job that I’m barely functional even on the weekend. I’m feeling weak and lethargic most the time. But part of my blow-up happened because I foolishly, desperately decided to halve my dose for about four or five days, so I can’t just stop. I’m definitely going to ask my doctor for something else; [name redacted] suggested a few things which worked for him as he and I have had nearly identical symptoms our whole lives.
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In other news, I’ve been trying those Afformations suggested by @inflib starting yesterday (after my cage stopped rattling). Seems to be making me feel better, and some minor effects when I say the likes of “Why does listening to this chant soothe & energize me?”**, “Why am I so joyful yet calm?”**, and “Why does anariya metta bhavana fill my heart with love?” And we’ll see how much it helps to keep asking myself the likes of (my problem areas along with overcoming the ten micha ditthi), “Why does fried food disgust me?”, “Why do I hate ice cream?”, “Why don’t I need coffee / music to stay awake and alert?”, “Why am I comfortable with my body?”, “Why do I know the world exists?”, “Why are my parents so special?”, “Why do I realize the existence of beings with spontaneous births?” (And so on.)
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** Thanks to the crazy which needs those aforementioned mood stabilizers, I have to keep a balance between “too happy/excited” and “too calm/serene/relaxed” as both can make me either too hyper or too sleepy to function! if I get ye olde burning in my gut & chest, even if caused by overmuch joy it can easily flip to anger in a finger-snap, then in moments turn me into a screaming hate machine! But if Afformations continue to help even a little, if (while exercising the exhausting act of “mood-monitoring” :( [sorry if I already showed that] ) I find myself getting tired or depressed I can repeatedly ask myself why I’m so happy and energetic, or feel my guts “catching aflame” I’ll keep asking myself why I’m always so chill and relaxed.
In addition, the factors of reducing the music and sickening levels of caffeine, both which were being used to help counteract how dreadfully tired I get from the mood-stabilizers I need to keep from going off the deep end like I was doing the past few months, I mostly spend the first 2-4 hours every morning being too dreadfully tired to do much but hobble around like a half-zombie. That and the back pain. Oh Blessed One, the back pain. And sometimes the pain in my feet, being swollen and sore for no apparent reason starting about a month ago which my doctor tells me is plantar fasciitis. Most of this (especially the physical issues) wasn’t much of a problem before I really started trying to find the Path. Almost like all my kammic creditors noticed my intentions and came knocking!
>above link
I believe it’ll take more than a few days before the message therein sinks in — my mind’s like a turtle: slow and steady. Shame I’m so impatient I rarely stick something out long enough for my head to catch up, which is yet another area for gathi-retraining. :)===
Starting a few days ago I’ve been trying to ingrain the habit of anariya metta bhavana, just your standard focus on “May all beings be safe, healthy, happy, free of suffering”. I’m banking on the ‘say it enough times and it’ll become true’ maxim; as of now it’s mostly mechanical repetition for ten minutes at a time, but sometimes I’m feelin’ it. Once my focus needn’t be on ‘force it into habit’ I’ll try picturing my parents and thinking of all they’ve done for me and the like. Hopefully I can get over the guilt of a lifetime of selfishness in that area so I can instead feel gratitude. :(
I’ve also been listening to desana (desana?) mostly while biking to/from work. Most the time it’s something calming for my ears (as opposed to loud, bangin’ music), but once in a while my brain catches something to chew on like the fact that I’ve never considered family to be special, or anyone else other than myself for that matter; narcissism and baseless arrogance were always mental self-defense mechanisms I’ve been prone to falling in and being entrapped by. :( I’m doing a lot better nowadays than I was as a teen and tween, but there are plenty of deep roots to hunt down and burn…
Last night, while reading Getting to Sam?dhi via Formal Mediation Sessions, specifically the following line and a few prior leading up to it:
“In fact, most of the things that we do in a given day are done to just maintain our bodies, our houses, our environment in a presentable condition. Yet, we do not see the suffering associated with all those activities. That is another way to comprehend anicca nature.”
I don’t think I’ve come closer to getting anicca than this. It was a very “oooOOOoooh..!” moment, because exactly this has been a strong point of contention for me for a very long time: all these ‘stupid little things’ I have to keep doing and doing over and over just to maintain life! This contention becomes painfully pronounced during deep depression periods, when I lose the will to wash dishes or brush my teeth on a regular basis; I must have disappointed the dentist today! :( Anyway, when I’ve complained about these basics of survival as a 1st-world human, I tend to get blank stares like they want to slap me for being a whiner; this was just another of another batch of ‘stupid little things’ that tend to make me feel like “the only one in the whole wide world” who notices these things, noting the silliness of going through all the trouble just for the sake of pointlessly heading ’round and ’round with no end and no beginning and in my darkest moments…
And then I read that post and– well well well, I’m NOT the only one! Still quite depressing to consider, though: still feels like there was no beginning and there won’t be and end to any of it, but one day I hope to convince my ignorant brain that it’s wrong and Buddha’s right. Step one is more meditation, but even before that step zero is to keep calm, then go from zero to one. Or perhaps they’re the same? Goes to show how little I know (except academically/intellectually) after all this time. But at least now I have an intensely personal means to try my best at contemplating anicca, like I was trying while waiting at both the dentist’s office and the lobby at the barber. For example, watching the lawn mower going back and forth, back and forth, across the land around the church across the street, thinking about how the fruitlessness of doing so since the grass will grow back anyway (among many related ideas like the lawnmower breaking apart, the suffering of the guy on the lawn mower sweating under a hot sun and his ears being assaulted by the horrid noise of the lawn mower…) and how that, I think, is anicca. I don’t know it, but I think that’s it. One aspect of it, maybe.
Thank you guys. :)
“The Secret Code of Success” by Noah St. John
Found a kindle for only $2, sounds worth it to me!
Aww thanks :)
It’s definitely hard to implement willpower, something I need to work on. Maybe this is where regular sit down meditation would come in handy?
Speaking of, two days ago at work, for no apparent reason I was extremely agitated. Yelled at a coworker, thinking hateful and hurtful thoughts mostly self-directed, strongest they’ve been since before I got on my latest mood-stabilizer.
That frightening experience (which convinced me that I can’t just rely on multiple kinds of happy pills to keep my head stable) was the impetus that drove me to begin my experiment in replacing loud, bombastic music almost all the time with desana and chanting. So far I feel calmer overall (and a lot sleepier, took me over an hour to coax my head off my pillow; maybe I need to readjust to not having powerful sexy songs pounding my eardrums most the time) but it’s too early to make any conclusions methinks.
Yesterday I broke the fourth precept to avoid embarrassment. Right as I was inhaling to do so I felt a “lightning flash” of guilt/shame due to fully knowing what I was about to do in the very next instant. Interesting how such things are happening more and more often. Now my job need be answer the phone more often than I leave it ringing. :)
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There’s some difference before and after taking morning scripts: less INAG, or at least better able to control them (beforehand it seemed as impossible to stop The Bad Thoughts as it is to stop wind with your hands). It’s very annoying to go through my morning routine while the inside of my head is a killzone, which — while may not be reason #1 but certainly in the top three — why I almost always have music pumping into my ears while going through mindless activities. There are alternatives like listening to desana, though; tomorrow morning I think I’ll try that like I used to listen to lectures by Eckhart Tolle, Joseph Goldstein, Alan Watts, and similar.
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There are many apps that you can set to randomly “text” you throughout the day; I’m using one to send me notifications off four lists: Body, Emotion, Consciousness, Dhammas. The purpose is to “get me out of my head” with basic mindfulness: Body contains messages like “Feel your feet? Your fingertips?” “Where’s your tongue?” “How’s your back?” (chronic back ache here) etc. Emotion: “Anything you can do about that right now?” (if no, I try not to dwell on it at that time) “How do you feel?” “You are going to die.” (impetus drive) and so on. Consciousness (in the Buddhist sense): “Think it will rain?” (brings to mind the feel/sight/smell of the weather) “What’s that over there?” “What’s that smell?” “Think about it.” and with Dhammas I add verses from Dhammapada, pithy sayings from Buddha, summaries of the likes of the Seven Factors of Enlightenment and the Four Supreme Efforts, and the like.
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Odd happening: lately I find myself getting sleepy when I read Dhamma?? I’ll try with other reading to see if it’s not reading itself or just the calming effect of the Buddha’s teachings. Maybe my aforementioned scripts are piling on the drowsiness side effects too harshly? I’ve decided to experiment and try not taking them all in the morning and taking about half at night. Be nice to not need them at all, though… Anyway, if it is the drowsiness, maybe I’m gonna need to play some thunderstorm sounds or something like that when trying to wrap my head around what exactly is a citta and such. (I THINK I get it after reading about 3-4 different explanations… :) )
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I’m having a VERY difficult time going to extremes with the caffeine (at least bending the fifth precept methinks), especially lately with the aforementioned drowsiness side-effects. Maybe I should talk to my doctor.
Just thought of something:
Couldn’t the manic-depressive states also be described as the semi-randomized experiencing of extremes of high- and low-mindedness? Or is this a misinterpretation of uddacca and kukkucca?
Those pages were cough enlightening. takes off sunglasses
:)
The first one, especially, makes a lot of the past fall in place. Like that one seriously stupid stunt I pulled when younger (drinking raw chicken blood to creep out a cute coworker), I’m very lucky I didn’t happen to have (at that time) a matching seed for deathly illness by food poisoning! And so far my sister’s habit of texting while driving… but it takes less than 1/10th a second for…
As for the loud music thing, it’s gonna be a loooong time before I can turn my back on one of my “key identifying traits” I’ve had since my age was a single digit. :( For the moment I’m trying on most days to limit the pep-up tunes when I “need” them: the morning and during exercise; sometimes I’m still in the wake-up process an hour after lifting what sometimes feels like a 30-lb head off my pillow, lifting my 60-lb butt off the bed, then dragging my pair of 45-lb feet away from bed. :(
In related news, I’m successfully reducing my bad habit of too much caffeine! No more coffee except in the morning (if I do), and if I “need” caffeine later I’ll just drink tea. And I need to force myself to stay away from energy drinks, no matter how delicious the pina-colada- and cotton-candy-flavored ones are. It might be healthier to just eat cotton candy and drink pina coladas anyway! Not that I plan to start…
I blame part of my lack of morning motivation to some of my prescriptions having that damnable drowsiness side-effect. :( But hey, I rarely have insomnia issues anymore like I’d battled most my life!
Oh, this morning I was remembering some irritating things someone said and I was in a foul mood for it — same ol’ anger-outta-nowhere thing except almost as intense as I’m used to before I was put on the anti-bipolar meds! Could barely start laundry because my mind was too fiery until I ranted over text to my brother about it to get a little of it out of my head.
Neither essential oils nor calming background noise (waterfall and birdsong and such, since I figured that’d be more effective on my mood than an air conditioner and box fan — I partially blame perpetual “need” for white noise on headache-inducing tinnitus should I let things get too quiet) was doing its job. Wasn’t until I saw a crack through the red haze just long enough to remember to check for replies to this thread — and reading then spending about an hour texting about those links and others with my brother (helps “cement” what I’ve learned, even if I’m just copy-pasting key passages to FaceBook) did the same for me as when I was in the Chinese restaurant!
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By the by, speaking of bipolar (I don’t know if I mentioned I’m diagnosed manic-depressive bipolar before this post?) last night I found a comment on a YouTube video on that mental illness that hit home hard. I’ll leave it on my blog for those interested (may help explain [not excuse] some of my more insane moments that I still feel bad about :( ) instead of copy-pasting here so I don’t litter the PD forums with probably irrelevant walls of text. :)
Maybe someone here experiences (first-/second-/third-hand) similar “Life on Hard-Mode” issues who has advice for how to deal with sudden random plunges into the abyss? Or maybe highlights the importance of mental/emotional balance? I dunno, just felt like sharing and typing a bit as that helps soothe the head. :)
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