Am I going to Hell? (very personal)

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    • #15902
      Eric
      Participant

      I’m sorry for the extremely personal and graphic post; I don’t know where else to ask, to whom else I should turn.

      I’ll just copy-paste the messages I sent my father (warning: major daddy issues; victim of child abuse here):

      Again I’m sorry for this; please delete if this intensely personal post has crossed the line.


      We need to stop eye-seeing & verbal-talking (INCLUDING PHONE; I WILL HANG UP, & I WILL DELETE ALL VOICE MAILS THE SECOND I HEAR YOUR VOICE) with each other for a good long while. I can’t handle the multiple bipolar storms interacting with you triggers in me. We can text-/FB-talk but otherwise we must severely limit physical interaction. I’m so sorry Buddha, I know I’m supposed to honor my father, I’ve been trying very very hard, but cutting off communication with my father is the only way I know how to stop myself on yet another downward spiral straight to Hell. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

      I don’t know how tocmake the hurting stop. The hurting daddy does to me. Why is daddy hurting me. Why. Why. Does he hate me. Does daddy hate me. Why won’t he stop hurting me. He says he doesn’t know, he says he doesn’t remember, either he is lying or he is sick, so sick that he honestly doesn’t know the insults and disrespect and disregard. I can’t handle it. I am always tense around daddy. I can’t not be tense around daddy. Daddy frightens me. At almost 34 im still scared of daddy. I don’t know how to stop these feelings of anger and hate and sorrow when I interact with daddy. Every time I try to forgive daddy he does something new to hurt me. His words hurt. His constantly bringing up one dead horse after another hurts so badly. I wish I didn’t hurt. I don’t know how to stop the hurting. Stop hurting me daddy. Stop hurting me daddy. Please stop hurting me daddy. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I don’t want to go to Hell. There is nothing I can do to stop going to Hell. I can’t interact with daddy or he keeps bullying me, making me so much angry that I fantasize about murdering him, just thinking violent and hateful thoughts send you to Hell. But I try to forgive daddy, and th en he goes right back to being mean to me. Why is daddy being mean to me. Does he hate me. I try. I try. I try to forgive. I try to honor my father. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m sorry. I’m going to Hell. I’m going to Hell. Im going to Hell. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

      If you do it in your head, that’s as bad as doing it IRL. I’ve spent hundreds of hours wishing to kill you, imagining it, dreaming it, there is no hope for me, I am a monster, I’m going to Hell, there is no hope for me, nothing I do can stop my descent into billions of years of suffering, torture, horror. Nothing I do in this life will do anything to stop it, my fate is sealed.


      Note I’ve tried thinking of pleasant thoughts, forcing the anger-rage away, and the second I stop fearfully chanting “may dad be happy etc” the Bad Thoughts erupt even harder. When a “depression storm” is raging I’ve never learned a way to handle it but hunker down and pray pray pray it goes away.

      Again I’m so so sorry.

    • #15904
      Eric
      Participant

      …too late to delete. Oh well, cat’s out of the bag. Guess all I can do about the hell thing is follow the five and avoid the ten as much as I can from now on, accept every depression storm is going to take a mile off every inch of progress (like they do with everything else i try to do with my life) in the prayer that I can do as much as I can to atone for my sins in the hopes yo reduce my sentence from billions of years to maybe a few million…

    • #15918
      Lal
      Keymaster

      Hi Eric,
      I am very sorry to hear about your experience.

      Don’t be mad at me for saying this, but these are kamma vipaka. We all suffer at various levels as results of past kamma; of course yours is harsh.

      The important thing is to understand this fact: Nothing happens in this world without one or more causes and when the result comes, it will run its course. But we CAN do two things:

      1. We all have done good kamma in past lives too. So, we can MAKE CONDITIONS for such good kamma vipaka to bring results, and those can lessen the suffering due to that bad kamma vipaka.
      2. – Contemplating Dhamma will help you keep your mind away from those past experiences. At least you are not subjected to such abuse now. Try to keep the mind away from those memories. It serves no good to spend time thinking about it. Those are bad vaci sankhara, as I mentioned many times.
        – Also try to think of your father as an agent used by Nature to bring those bad kamma vipaka to you. Try to forgive him. Most of all, stop communicating with him; that automatically will take the mind away from those memories.

      3. Even more important, we should engage in good kamma, and follow the Path with determination, in order GET RID OF such bad kamma vipaka from arising in the future.
      4. – We all are likely to have kamma viaka MUCH WORSE than what you are experiencing. For example, one could be born a farm animal, and we can see the kind of suffering they go through in the video “Earthlings”: “Nationearht.com“.
        Warning: There are scenes that are highly disturbing to the mind.

    • #15932
      Eric
      Participant

      Thank you for the kind words, and don’t worry I get that, I dunno, I probably beat my own kids in a past life or something. Sorry again; I’m so embarrassed at spewing my guts out like that. Maybe I need to get my medication upped next time I’m at the doc’s. =P Anyway, definitely something I need to work on, for niramisa sukha is never coming my way if I can’t cool my jets. I can say when an episode is happening repeating the fourth precept over and over to myself didn’t help. Maybe that’s a preventative, not a cure? I do know I feel a little better when I take refugee in the morning before letting anything else enter my mind… usually.

    • #15933
      Lal
      Keymaster

      Your worst kamma vipaka (actual abuse) is over. Now you can start fresh and focus on the future. The mind CAN heal.

      However, don’t expect quick results. Keep taking the medication and hopefully you can reduce the dose over time, and eventually become free of medication.

    • #15988
      C. Saket
      Participant

      Dear Eric Sir,

      May the blessings of the Triple Gem be with you always !

      Don’t worry. You have come to the right place. You will get helpful advice from everyone here in this forum.

      Don’t panic dear Sir. With strong effort and perseverance, you can change your “gati” for the better !
      Yes it’s possible… :)

      First of all you should minimize all types of communication with him as much as possible. If any thought about him arises in your mind, then immediately divert your mind to something you like or someone you love.

      You should practice regular metta bhavana (unconditional loving kindness) in increasing order of difficulty :

      (1) First you should radiate loving kindness to the people you really love and are close to your heart.

      (2) Now after that (when your mind is in joyful state), then radiate loving kindness to the people you know but don’t care (neither like nor dislike).

      (3) Now after this, radiate loving kindness to the people you hate/dislike.

      (4) Then finally, radiate boundless loving kindness to all countless sentient beings !!!

      For more details please see – https://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/nanamoli/wheel007.html

      Remember, nothing happens without a reason. You had to suffer this abuse from your father because in some previous lives you must had done some horrible bad kamma.

      So this is a way of paying back your debt. You have to bear this with patience.

      I would suggest, you should go to a Buddhist monastery and spend some time there.

      Offer “dana” to the Sangha (bhikkhus). Give your service there, take care of the monks. You will surely feel better !

      For example please see – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1TAfniWpw4A

      Devote your time in charity work.

      Go to an orphanage, help the needy children there.

      Serve the poor homeless elderly people.

      Offer your helping hand to the cyclone affected people, earthquake victims, physically disabled people, etc, etc…

      I hope you got my point.

      Try to avoid dasa akusala as much as possible.

      Keep your mind busy in doing meritorious deeds ! It will surely help you.

      Try to cultivate the four Brahma viharas – Metta, Karuna, Mudita, Upekkha.

      One more advice which can help you to reduce the incessant stress (heat) in the mind is to develop devotion (and faith) towards the Buddha, Dhamma and Sangha.

      You can recollect the Supreme qualities of the Buddha, Dhamma and Sangha. It makes the heart delighted !

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7Y3iFeaRqw

      You can also listen to the sutta chantings. That also makes the heart peaceful.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RK5EHFWUMrA

      And gradually when your mind is in blissful state then you can focus towards the higher Dhamma (Tilakkhana).

      Hope this helps.
      Our best wishes are with you.

      MAY ALL BEINGS ATTAIN NIBBANA !!!

    • #15991
      y not
      Participant

      Eric:

      Greetings,

      See where and what you have stumbled upon!! yet not even that is by chance.

      It is not a common thing to come across something like this. What you- and all of us – have been given here is no mere advice to someone in need; it is a one-page manual, simple, concise, eloquent, yet comprehensive on the greatest fight of all.

      I myself can add nothing. Except,let us be grateful. One thing I have found out for myself though: in time there is no one left in what Saket classifies as category 3. This is so as to encourage you on, and it is the only thing I can contribute.

      may you attain serenity,

      y not

    • #16011
      Eric
      Participant

      Thank you all! Had a few more near-breakdowns since then (not just because of the old man; that seemed to just leave me open to a bunch of other stuff that, each on their own would be but a mild to moderate annoyance — but all dropped in my lap at the same time, when my willpower fuel had already been exhausted…) but today’s been good and healing overall — dare I say, cooling-down? I wonder if I needed all that to be “broken” before I could proceed, before I could begin thinking of what I could do next. Definitely need to hammer-out some time-management skills so I have fewer little things each day draining energy needed for dedication to the Triple-Gem (like an entire week’s worth of batch-cooking in 3- to 5-hours on Sunday with some chanting or desanas playing from a kitchen stereo). But I’m yammering about myself again, yet another bad habit to take out. Again, thank you all for the kind words! May we all be safe, healthy, happy, and free of suffering!

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