thank you for your answer! I have tapped a bit deeper into meditation, up to two hours daily.
I proceed lightly, w/o any extreme concentrated form. My only goal is to sit still for the whole time and not to drift unconsciously into thoughts.
I realize to my own surprise that my deeper emotions are full of DOSA. Sometimes in the milder version of dislike/aversion, sometimes even deep hatred or scorn. It has a lot to do with my past, images of parents and other family members appear, how they treated me etc…
As a result of these thoughts, I find it almost impossible to live a “good” life. I am quite sure that I do not commit any major infractions but on the other hand, I do not feel the incentive to do good deeds either! What can I do?
I find it helpful to use METTA during meditation. Also to focus on the difference between past and reality. This works for the time on the mat. But I still see that these emotions keep me away from really participating in life.