Sir This is a bit long but if you don’t have time I have only explained my journey starting from seeing unfruitful nature of sense pleasures and subsequent suffering in its overindulgence. And after getting sick I got to knew that indeed this world has suffering and my sole goal was to remove this suffering. I developed my own philosophy which matched to Buddha’s but only to some extent. I didn’t have some of the miccha dhittis, Not at all Silabata Paramasa and also didn’t have world view of nicca but only to a very few extent. Sir what are your views on my Patisandhi Tihetuka or Dvihetuka. Moreover my academic and Sports performance is also decent.
Sir and when I got to know about ahetuka, dvihetuka and tihetuka births, I contemplated and thought in which category I am? I could simply rule out ahetuka Patisandhi without any question. I became a bit nervous between dvihetuka and tihetuka because my quest for end of suffering was started before hearing dhamma and also it was the reason I found this site. Simple unsatisfactory nature of sense was visible to me and in one of the posts you talked about that we mostly suffer agitation and other forms of suffering mostly all the time, this agitation was also visible to me in vague and scattered sense. And also over-indulgence in food, game, movies, music certainly not increase the pleasure felt but instead suffering was inflicted and this unsatisfactory nature of sense pleasure + the arrow like nature of vedana(feelings) when once in a while I used to get cold.
The immense suffering of over indulgence and fever( the only disease I remember I ever had till now) was enough for me. I just never wanted to suffer again in any form not even agitation, I used to call this suffering, sadness.
I started thinking and developing my own philosophies without any external knowledge, after sometime my world principle was clear, it was that IF ANYONE WILLINGLY WISHED AND INDULGED IN ANY FORM PLEASURE HE IS BOUND TO SUFFER(but wait that’s what Tanha is in a vague sense willingly wishing is desire for pleasure that they will give happiness and having nicca and sukkha view and getting attached to them). I beleived it to be 100% correct and after all it was my self made philosophy and I thought I have got the way to end suffering (I believed in rebirth only for the sake that why humans are born poor, rich, handicapped . But I never thought about rebirth much because I was mainly concerned to end the sadness felt by me in this life). Just like I now know that avijjā and it’s extreme form Moha is the cause of suffering and removing avijjā will end all suffering, the same thing I used to think before for desire of happiness, if I wished and indulged in pleasure I would suffer but if I didn’t wish and indulged in any pleasure then I will also not feel any suffering, this was my philosophy.I was not concerned with pleasure but my sole goal is not to suffer even for a moment.
This worked fine I used to spend most of my time studying and sleeping(because I didn’t have energy to do much because I ate very less I also made sure nothing should please my tongue)…….then I got thought of searching the web about my philosophy I end up reading much about meditation and it’s bliss. So I started meditating but I used to feel very much sleepy.Then I thought the reason I am sleepy is because of eating too less, so I altered my diet and started meditation when I got time from my studies, and yes I indeed felt the calmness but not much bliss because I didn’t cultivated it for long. I also used to search the web occasionally for with keywords like ending sadness, suffering, controlling the body so that I never get ill etc etc… Then I somehow got landed on this site when I started reading about Goutama Buddha’s world view and I heard about him, respected him but learning his teachings never crossed my mind, maybe because I was egoistic (high mindedness) I used to think I am good at everything studying, sports etc and most importantly I have figured out the way to eliminate sadness which none of the religions found(I don’t know why I didn’t considered Buddhism ever maybe because it’s not prevailing in my locality). I used to think religious people worship God for this pleasure which cannot be maintained instead overindulgence will cause them suffering, I used to think only I know the truth that wishing and having desire of pleasure caused suffering and yes indeed it is true(anusaya) but not entirely because I didn’t think desire for pleasure cause suffering but indulging in pleasure cause suffering instead. This pride might be the reason I never read what other religions have to say about it.
But after sometime occasionally I end up here and literally had butterflies in my stomach when I read Buddha’s world view, I said what? Buddha also said this, means I was indeed on right track and I naturally had interest because my goal was to eliminate sadness and he told how can I eliminate it, Then, I started reading the posts on this site, I got to know Goutama’s teachings are true, clear and logical and yes his Dhamma was literally unique.
But that was my past now I diligently follow Buddha Goutama’s way to removing suffering because this is what I always wanted. I never had Silabatta Paramasa because wishing to god for anything was simply too absurd for me and I can’t beleive how can someone following buddha and knowing his true teachings ever think of beleiving that rituals will do any good to them.