Hi wta,
Some people feel lonely because they are searching for meaning in their lives and are not content with the answers that they find, such as ‘contributing to society’, ‘attaining success in their careers’, ‘becoming parents’, ‘finding love in a significant other’ and so on.
The fact is that most aspects of our careers and relationships have kusala (or punna) and (unfortunately) akusala cittas as their underlying basis. Punna and akusala cittas (I think) cannot function without their corresponding cetasikas. Sobhana and akusala cetasikas are (I think) abhisankhara with kammic consequences and can bring about future rebirths, as long as they are still conditioned by ignorance of ultimate reality.
Hence careers and relationships have anicca (cannot be maintained to one’s satisfaction in the long run) and dukkha (stress and unease) as their reality, and they are anatta (cannot be relied on for refuge and a safe haven). Sabbe sankhara anicca, sabbe sankhara dukkha, sabbe dhamma anatta.
It is no wonder that these people continue to feel lonely, for they have not found something which could satisfactorily be taken as a refuge yet!
However, careers and relationships are not entirely without merit as long as we use them to cultivate karuna, metta, mudita and perhaps upekkha (the four immeasurables), as well as dana and sila in our dealings with others. Just keep in mind their anicca, dukkha and anatta nature.
To ease loneliness, it is useful to think of ourselves as well as other people as essentially having no immutable, permanent ego or substance. We are basically instances of cittas, cetasikas and rupas that arise and pass away, to condition the next set of rupas, cittas and cetasikas to arise without a pause in between for incalculable aeons. There is loneliness, but no one who experiences loneliness.
Contemplate and meditate that what we think of ourselves are neither self nor non-self. There is nothing fixed and permanent in ourselves, not just in our bodies (we get sick, aged and die), but even in our minds (our cittas and attached cetasikas arise and fall away in extremely rapid succession). Because of that, we can find no self. However, there is a stream of continuity binding together and conditioning all these linked sequences of cittas, cetasikas and rupas so that there is kamma and vipaka. Because of that, it is equally wrong to think that there is non-self.
When we gain wisdom as a result of these meditations, we may see some of our yearnings for deeper connections fade away.
However, even before that, it may be a good idea to listen to desanas from Ariyas, so as to help one to attain the Sotapanna stage if one is so inclined.
Sometimes, our loneliness may serve a deeper and more positive purpose. It may be a sign of an inner prompting to proceed on our life journey to fulfill certain paramitas, aspirations, determinations or debt obligations. Couples very much in love with each other; close friends and relatives, or even close parents and children who cannot bear to separate from each other at death may make the aspiration to continue their close relationships in future lives. Of course, in order to obtain these same close relationships in future lives, they may have to perform sufficiently meritorious acts to bring about suitable conditions.
For example, Yasodhara was the wife of the Buddha in our current Buddha sasana. When the Dipankara Buddha was around, Prince Siddharta was born as an ascetic by the name of Sumedha. After the Bodhisatta Sumedha had finally completed the eight requirements to receive the definite proclamation of Buddhahood from Dipankara Buddha, Yasodhara (who was born as a noble lady named Sumitra) aspired to be his consort and helpmate and to support him actively in his quest for Buddhahood.This strong aspiration and the meritorious deeds she performed over a long period of time resulted in her being the Bodhisattva’s consort and supporter throughout many births.
As well, when the Venerable Upali asked the Buddha for permission to go to dwell in the forest in seclusion, the Buddha refused, for if Upali went into the forest he would learn only meditation, while, if he remained amongst men, he would have knowledge both of meditation and of the word of the Dhamma. If Venerable Upali had indeed gone to dwell in the forest, he would have been unable to fulfill his aspiration made during the time of Padumuttara Buddha to hear praise from the future Buddha Gotama for being chief of the Vinayadharas. Neither would he have been able to expound the Vinaya during the first Buddhist Council for the benefit of many. This example is stated not because Venerable Upali felt lonely (I do not think he was lonely), but because sometimes we need to form closer connections with the people around us in our journey towards Nibbana or our ultimate goal and aspirations, or simply to benefit others such as in the case of Venerable Sariputta who continued to care for his fellow bhikkhus even after attaining Arahanthood.
You may also find it useful to keep a journal to record your innermost thoughts about your loneliness in order to gain a better understanding of it. When are the times that you feel most lonely? What kind of friends or relationships do you wish to form? What can cause loneliness to surface in you? What causes your loneliness to strengthen or lessen? Are there any other useful questions about your loneliness you could think about?
Your loneliness may be a sign that you need to form closer relationships with other people in order to fulfill your aspirations and determinations from past lives (although not necessarily). Perhaps you could be a volunteer in your community to form closer connections with the people around you.
Being born human during a Buddha Sasana is a great advantage in our journey to attain Nibbana, if we wisely make use of it. If you feel that it would be beneficial for you to attain Nibbana, do actively seek to deepen your connections with others. When you feel ready, you may also want to connect with your family members again. There may be hurt and fear, but do not do anything that will further hurt yourself or your family members if possible. I deeply wish you happiness in all your dealings in future.
Hope this helps!