Regarding Walasmulle:
yes I do not have an onus to speak with authority so I simply expressing knowing I am mostly ignorant.
Here is the video in which he explains using amma as the (empty) object, translated as “neutral”. Simply the idea that my vedana of amma(or my wife in this case) is not coming from, it is in within me. But I am ignorant of this way of perceiving and I wish to change that.
Regarding subconscious: “Only when one starts generating vaci sankhara (talking to oneself), that one becomes aware of the thoughts and that is when one CAN stop any bad thoughts”. Ok, yes I hear you. My experience is (if i’ve been meditating) sensing a negative “feeling” arise with some kind of “logic” or “reason”. So sense trigger —> awareness of some shift in the form of a changed perception —> some kind of “logic” or reasoning that has no words activates —> images and thoughts in english arise. It’s hard to relate these things and maybe not that useful but this is my experience.
I will re-read vaci-sankhara article it is good. Also thank you for your research in researching the correct meaning of what Lord Buddha was pointing too.
Regarding Meditation: Thank you for your console, truly I appreciate it.
“We need to understand that Buddha Dhamma is not about JUST LEARNING concepts (even though learning plays a big part), it is all about using what is learned for purifying the mind.” from ‘Are You Not Getting Expected Results from Meditation?’
I think my entire post here is asking for a suggestion to “use what is learned and purify” ‘my’ mind. I do not want to hurt people due to my anusaya, my outbursts of anger, controlling behavior etc. It’s that simple.
I will read your section on bhavana more and divine an answer. I will likely make a separate post later to further clarify purification of mind but I think this at least makes it clear what I want to do and that’s more than I started with.
Love, Joy, Bliss, Freedom