I can see there is a longing for perfection. A longing that anything goes well and stays well. It is a longing that is born from anxiety and delusion (unrealistic view of life). Scared for this life with it’s characteristics of sudden change, instabililty, decay, sickness, death, pain, confusion. Insecure in an unsafe world.
This insecurity and longing for safetey drives us to control the conditioned. When anything goes to wish, then that comes with a feeling of security, of control, of happiness.
In the need to control, i am at the end of the scared ones, the anxious, always worried about things going wrong, with myself, others, parents, material stuf etc. I also feel life becomes more and more complicated and unsafe. Having a bank-account is unsafe, nowadays hackers try to steal your money. Hospitals cannot function without computers. It can go wrong anytime with anything. This sense of vulnerability is always present within me.
In the end i cannot rely on anything in the world. So my fear/anxiety is not really wrong, it is not unrealistic, but it is afcourse a burden.
Seeing this, and really making a change is a very very big difference, i know from experience. One can see that it is a mission impossible to seek for safety in the world, and still long very much for control. One can tell oneself over and over again about the truths of anicca, dukkha and anatta, but emotionally one has still this strong need for safety, refuge, craving for safety.
I wonder what you think, but i think that without any sense of an already present perfection/stability/refuge inside us, how can one ever make this change?
Siebe