>above link
I believe it’ll take more than a few days before the message therein sinks in — my mind’s like a turtle: slow and steady. Shame I’m so impatient I rarely stick something out long enough for my head to catch up, which is yet another area for gathi-retraining. :)
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Starting a few days ago I’ve been trying to ingrain the habit of anariya metta bhavana, just your standard focus on “May all beings be safe, healthy, happy, free of suffering”. I’m banking on the ‘say it enough times and it’ll become true’ maxim; as of now it’s mostly mechanical repetition for ten minutes at a time, but sometimes I’m feelin’ it. Once my focus needn’t be on ‘force it into habit’ I’ll try picturing my parents and thinking of all they’ve done for me and the like. Hopefully I can get over the guilt of a lifetime of selfishness in that area so I can instead feel gratitude. :(
I’ve also been listening to desana (desana?) mostly while biking to/from work. Most the time it’s something calming for my ears (as opposed to loud, bangin’ music), but once in a while my brain catches something to chew on like the fact that I’ve never considered family to be special, or anyone else other than myself for that matter; narcissism and baseless arrogance were always mental self-defense mechanisms I’ve been prone to falling in and being entrapped by. :( I’m doing a lot better nowadays than I was as a teen and tween, but there are plenty of deep roots to hunt down and burn…