You know the Abuse Cycle? If not, a gross oversimplification: 1) Oh damn things are getting tense, escalating into threats and shouting… 2) KABOOM! SLAP-PUNCH-KICK 3) “Oh dear god what have I done I am so sorry” or the abuser just calms down and leaves you alone while you just nurse your bruises and sob to yourself for a while, 4) nobody’s feathers are ruffled, everyone’s acting ‘normal’, everything’s going to be okay; GOTO 1)
In my case, my “abuser” is my own mind. Except it’s not always so clear cut: sometimes I just wake up and I’m immediately cheerful-happy-ready-to-face-the-world and others I’m immediately in I-wanna-die mode or suppressing urge to scream and punch walls and many times I simply cannot stop from some external blowing-up… (Sometimes I call this a “manic-down phase” when I’m feeling bad but in a hyper-excited way rather than feeling a doldrum of down-in-the-dumps where all I wanna do is stuff myself with sweets and savories ’til I want to puke and then beyond.)
Yesterday was the former “up-phase” not really manic but more chill (the day prior to that was a “depressive-down phase”): where for once I wasn’t feeling insecure and insular whereas today I just lost it trying to juggle all I wanted to do ASAP and such-n-so. Today was definitely a manic-down phase followed by depressive-down.
Some days I swing wildly between negative and positive, like my brain keeps shuffling between “rape-all-Christians” death metal and cutesy sexy k-pop sometimes several times in a few minutes. Horrifically jarring to go from hate to love and back again and again when all I’m doing is walking from car to front door of grocery store…