[Eric]

“If, on reflection… it was an immoral… action… then you should confess it, reveal it, lay it open to the Teacher or to a knowledgeable companion in the holy life.” –Buddha to Rahula at Mango Stone

“Moral-shame and moral-dread are the guardians of the world.” –Joseph Goldstein quoting Buddha (I forget which words he was translating)

In this spirit, I’m going to give the progress diary thing a try. With invite others to both make their own and to comment, question, criticize, and to otherwise help carry each other across to the other shore. Here’s what I’ve written to date: (sorry it’s disjointed and inexplicable at times; I just hurry-type it into my phone whenever I’ve a moment)

-=-=-=-

18-05-24 [y/m/d]

3) [Chinese buffet; for my 1-2 monthly cheat meal] did pretty good considering though it was still extreme indulgence, but definitely [gyro fast food after, I threw up. I was satisfied from the buffet; I should have stopped. Waste of $20.

===

18-05-26

Inag overmuch
VocPrep overmuch (for some reason, from a very young age, I keep trying to “prepare speeches” for encounters, and 99.99% of the time I never use ’em; waste of energy and frivolous talk probably)
S.E.S. overmuch
Several specifics like “get on messenger more!”
5th too much caffeine plus hectic workplace triggered Manic Episode!!

===

18-05-27

Usual inag/SES/Dang (Inner Argument / “Stop Explaining It” I’ve an incessant craving to be understood, to explain myself, and 99% of it is talking to myself inside my head / Disembodied Anger)

Could have been nicer about canceling Shipt

Lied about the pizza thing — kinda-sorta; I remembered right after I said it ,but was too embarrassed after the fact to correct myself; like I was more afraid to come across as an idiot for forgetting.

===

18-05-28

The usual, but not so much. Until thought about days ago encounter (too much to explain) and kept imaginating insults, threats, etc to them.

At work, got too agitated by very fast pace, yelling at coworkers, almost reported for being rude to customer. Maybe I should have eaten. And then The Usual but big time.

I should wear the lavender essential oil not orange and lemongrass because I get excited enough. I need calm.

I need some sort of Be Here Now “breath meditation” before I can graduate preschool into purifying my mind…

—

FB pr0astz, to show just how low I can go:

I believe, by now, it’s clear all my time and money, and greatly inconveniencing family, sunk into therapy, has done me not a speck of good. Just like all the rest. It’s been, what, half a year now and I’ve made ZERO progress. Got drugged but that’s it. Oh yeah, diagnosed with something else than what I’ve been seeking my entire life, fries but still no burger, the symptom not the illness I’ve suffered my whole life. So next time I’m going to lay it out crystal clear what I expect out of $20 1 to 2 times a month, and if my therapist cannot provide then I will request to be forwarded to one who can, and if such after several more months of “doctor shopping” does not provide the burger I’ve been trying to order my whole life, I will give up, I will throw my hands in the air and surrender to the reality that this is the hand I was dealt and no help, no hope, is available for Eric.

—

I will try to scan and photocopy everything from my school I can find from an early age to senior year in the hopes that “proves” my mental illness. If this therapist or whomever it may concern just goes “too long; didn’t read” or “that’s just information I want to hear from the REAL YOU” then, I am sorry to all who helped and rooted from the sidelines, but I will at that point see no reason to continue dragging miles just to end up at a wall, I will see no point in continuing to struggle against my fate as a broken human being who will never accomplish nor achieve anything. And why is that? Because without removal of insurmountable obstacles in the way, by means of proper diagnosis and treatment I’ve been needing my whole life…

—

I want to type so much. So, so much. But I need to get back to work. Also, you’ve all heard it before. I wish mom swallowed me, I wish dad flushed me.

===

18-05-29

More inag and mental insult deliverance etc, need to stop thinking about my dad.

Broke the second by eating a bunch of broccoli from the hot box without paying. Sure they were old, unsellable, and were gonna be tossed in less than an hour, but still.

By above and during lunches I did more 3 breakage by stuffing myself until my stomach hurt then beyond. It’s what I do when blue and bored…

—

I made a big-big (for me) decision, announcing it on FB:

I’ve been considering not being nearly so strict with health and nutrition anymore since it’s just causing so much stress and strain that any health benefits are probably overridden by “mental damage” from worrying overmuch. I’ll work to stay fitting in XL shirts, 36″ shorts, and 38″ pants but that’s it. Maybe I’ll even let myself have alcohol again.

===

18-05-30

Less inag etc in morn than usual. Just enough caffeine? Just less hectic pace than usual in morn to get ready for work?

Will try cue “Nobody’s There” [see below] when sudden inag? Need lots lots practice to fight natural tendencies.

Feels like I’m on “up/honeymoon” phase of my “bipolar/abuse cycle”. How to extend, how to not overexert, how to minimize ‘damage’ when “down/being abused [by my mind/mood]” phases?

Many inag from repression of mouth-talk when people/events irritate me, especially dad. Then I inag/inner-threaten ie mind-talk. when down-phase or just pops up “on its own” “out of blue” often for years to come. Maybe if I just verbal-say the nastiness then and there, it could lead to far less breakage of 4th? Or could it make things worse? Maybe I should try and see what happens. Would definitely make me feel less like a weak pussy candy-ass, a major emotional sticking point (mostly from perpetual repression of negative verbal reactions [as that one Buddhism page on anger says, that just makes the claws attack inward!] out of fear of consequences and embarrassment, making me feel like a weak sissy Doormat, almost all the time) , maybe.

When “up phase” of “mind-abuse cycle” , mind and energy and drive and desire to ‘damage control’ and ‘multitask’ and ‘get it done get it done’ all on hyperdrive! How to control/restrain/not give in and probably thereby trigger “down phase” that much faster?

Possible frivolity in speech, lots (for me) small talk, as on Up Phase I’m much less self conscious and much less insecure and much more cheerful (for me).

Cue if SEP or Inag: “who’s there?” in voice of guy from that Garfield video, and use Tolle watch for thoughts like cat at mouse hole, do not answer, listen for it in silence, silence is teaching.

—

[Massive shift in mood as you here at PD can see; this is typical for me: if I’m not in a “mental doldrum” of neither happy nor upset, it’s up-down-up-down-up-down… it’s extremely jarring as you can imagine; yes, I’m diagnosed manic-depressive bipolar, and yes it makes things… difficult, to say the least! Especially for long-term planning/goal-setting, as I have no idea if tomorrow or sometime next week or month will be a “I love everyone”, “I want to kill everyone including myself”, “I want to cry on mommy’s shoulder”, or most often those multi-week stretches of “everything is grey and numb I have no feelings my thoughts have no color nothing is enjoyable I’m just going through the motions wasting my life why did I even get out of bed” day!!]

[Lal]

Hi Eric,

Thank you for sharing your diary with us. It may help you get things off your chest, and hopefully we can see improvement over time.

However, don’t expect quick results. Keep taking the medication and hopefully you can reduce the dose over time, and eventually become free of medication.

As I mentioned before, each one of has health or other personal issues that are due to kamma done in previous lives. Once those kamma vipaka start, all we can do is to try to deal with their effects. Yours is something that actually can be overcome, since the actual abuse was in the past. The mind CAN heal.

By the way, I am not sure whether you the post by Donna where she recommended the book: The Brain’s Way of Healing: Remarkable Discoveries and Recoveries from the Frontiers of Neuroplasticity, by Norman Doidge. You may want to read that. It is compatible with some things that we have discussed based on Buddha Dhamma. After all these years, psychologists are re-discovering some key issues on how the human mind works.

[Eric]

Hello again. And thanks again for the kind and helpful words! I hope one day to see if I can put to practice Donna’s book suggestion (among many other books I’ve read/listened-to over the years) without yet another “down-phase” knocking me down. To be like a ‘cracked gong’ unphased by either positive or negative external triggers sounds like a lovely dream. Oh, speaking of day, here’s today’s:

==

18-05-31

Hoo boy. Today’s storyline: woke up (first day off), big plans to cook work lunches for the week (but had huge amounts of dirty dishes I didn’t have time to get to throughout the work-week) and do week’s worth of laundry. Laundromat closes 2 hr after awakening. So rush-rush coffee in me, (brewed night before so it only took 5m to heat it up on stove and chug), rush-rush and caffeine equals massive plummet into “down-phase”.

I spent lots of time in between doing chores flipping out and typing many many paragraphs of crazed ramblings (it’s one of the main things I do when in a dark, terrible mood of the ‘manic’ kind) which I won’t copy-paste here so you don’t need to scroll past the emo incoherence.

One subject was literally begging and telling all my FB friends I’d be willing to pay to have people help me clean. Had an answer, gonna talk about it when they’re awake again.

Then finally calmed down by eating breakfast, chatting with said friend, followed by some pointless fun-posting, wondering if I should switch sleep schedule to wake up earlier (but that would leave it very difficult to go to doc visits without cutting into sleep, and my job periodically forces one to stay over 4 hours if we had too many call-offs which are the two major reasons I chose to wake up -> hurry up get ready for work -> have hours before bed rather than the other way around) so I’m not so rush-rush-rush before I’ve had a chance to breathe and chill in the morning which is a huge “down-phase” chain of triggers working against me.

The times it sucks when forced to stay over or having to stay up late to see a doctor (among other minor inconveniences) I’ll just have to bite the bullet. And sleep in those days; I was trying to be super rigid with circadian rhythm thanks to lifelong insomnia but now I’m going to try being more flexible to see if that can be used as a tiny stepping stone towards niramisa sukha.

Anyway, after deciding I’ll wait for tomorrow to batch-cook for the week (so as to avoid cooking every day; not enough time for that, I try to cook everything for work in 1 day then package them ready to grab, bag, and go) I just cooked one dinner, then broke the 3rd by continuing to eat too many more calories than my daily limit (binge-eating when sad [AKA what I tend to do when in a dark, terrible mood of the ‘depressive’ kind especially following a ‘manic’ phase] = bad bad habit, but at least it was only 300 calories of strawberries rather than 3000 calories of pizza/Chinese delivery like I used to) while watching hours of YouTube before my new bedtime. *fingers crossed I don’t spend hours tossing and turning then my alarm blaring at my new ~3hr earlier time after only 3-4 hours of sleep worrying about this, that, and the other.

What’s this have to do with Buddhism? Just to showcase how unstable my mind is, the difficulties I face in just being calm enough to even try to contemplate this and that while I go about living life while burdened with a mind that likes to go berserk over the littlest things and continues to stall and ruin any long-term goal whether it’s to learn a new language or to bodybuild or to begin walking the Eightfold Path (even the mundane one). Maybe next time I’m at the doc’s, I’ll ask to try a new medication in the hopes I find one that works longer than a couple weeks out of the months I’ve been on my current one?

Gotta do SOMETHING, as when The Bad Thoughts/Feelings are bouncing ’round my skull like ten-thousand deafening echoes in a vast cavern, absolutely nothing I try (other than “give up, give in” while I pile on yet another ten-thousand 4th precept violations inside my head which is reason #1 I’m convinced I’m going to Hell) seems to do anything but make everything worse. Like trying to smooth rough waters with a flat iron.

[Eric]

You know the Abuse Cycle? If not, a gross oversimplification: 1) Oh damn things are getting tense, escalating into threats and shouting… 2) KABOOM! SLAP-PUNCH-KICK 3) “Oh dear god what have I done I am so sorry” or the abuser just calms down and leaves you alone while you just nurse your bruises and sob to yourself for a while, 4) nobody’s feathers are ruffled, everyone’s acting ‘normal’, everything’s going to be okay; GOTO 1)

In my case, my “abuser” is my own mind. Except it’s not always so clear cut: sometimes I just wake up and I’m immediately cheerful-happy-ready-to-face-the-world and others I’m immediately in I-wanna-die mode or suppressing urge to scream and punch walls and many times I simply cannot stop from some external blowing-up… (Sometimes I call this a “manic-down phase” when I’m feeling bad but in a hyper-excited way rather than feeling a doldrum of down-in-the-dumps where all I wanna do is stuff myself with sweets and savories ’til I want to puke and then beyond.)

Yesterday was the former “up-phase” not really manic but more chill (the day prior to that was a “depressive-down phase”): where for once I wasn’t feeling insecure and insular whereas today I just lost it trying to juggle all I wanted to do ASAP and such-n-so. Today was definitely a manic-down phase followed by depressive-down.

Some days I swing wildly between negative and positive, like my brain keeps shuffling between “rape-all-Christians” death metal and cutesy sexy k-pop sometimes several times in a few minutes. Horrifically jarring to go from hate to love and back again and again when all I’m doing is walking from car to front door of grocery store…

[Eric]

slowly pokes head back in

I’ve… um… mostly been too embarrassed to return. Plus an ever-increasing pile of things I’d want to write but I don’t because reasons. But for now I’ll just post that since going from night- to day-shift things have been going much better for the past few weeks.

But then today happened:

Anicca. Every single time I TRY to change habits, follow advice here or elsewhere, engage in SOME sort of personal self-improvement project whether learning a new language or bodybuilding or Buddhism or even just cleaning up, KA-FRIGGA-BOOM an Attack happens (whether too happy or too angry or both somehow) and tornado-wrecks the house of cards I just started to stack. shakes head But I gotta get ready for the job I absolutely hate, so I can spend 80% of what I make on a home that only I live in, all that hard work with nothing and nobody to come home to but a mess and my computer into which to escape. Anicca.

[Lal]

An agitated mind is receptive to more disruptive events (to bring more bad kamma vipaka). Try to calm the mind by thinking about good things (things you like, friends/family you can talk to, etc), and try to engage in small acts of kindness to others. It will help more than you think.

Another thing could be listen to some chantings:
“Sutta Chanting”
Many people do that before going to bed in order to calm the mind and have a restful sleep.

[Anonymous]

Hi Eric,

Here’s an example of what I’ve done to turn things around. Just in the last two days, I’ve experienced a wonderful calm and what many have described as “that was lucky” occurrences.

What I’ve done in the past few days was clean up past mistakes. Things like health insurance issue that wasn’t right, sharing meals with my roommate, saying a short metta bhavana (“may myself and all being everywhere, high and low, near and far be healthy, happy and free from suffering) every time a bad or unworthy thought arises, transferring merits for every good thing I do, volunteer work, etc. It’s working!

We know down deep inside the things that are either a lie or not 100% pure or generous…fix those. Yes, it may take a little effort and possibly a little embarrassing or intimidating, but one needs to start somewhere or the chaos will continue.

Do more good and more good will come your way!

Much metta!

[Eric]

One of these days I promise (once I have time & peace + organization of mind) to write more extensively my “progress”. =P But I just wanted to say real quick I’m not ignoring you guys’ posts and I do appreciate, plus I’m doing a LOT better this morning. Maybe I just needed to try not to do too much at once right as I got out of bed — which seemed to trigger a manic episode.. being mentally-ill makes for I guess you could call “Life On Hard-Mode” =P — and to have these playing throughout the house instead of hard rock:

https://mynoise.net/NoiseMachines/winterSoundscapeGenerator.php

[Eric]

“this video is unavailable”

Alright.. let’s try that again:

[Eric]

[slowly pokes head in through the creaking door]

…I suppose I shouldn’t dive right back in without some sort of explanation for my behavior a little while back:

• Was undergoing THE WORST “depression storm” of my life. To avoid drama, I’ll spare the specifics, but I’m sure anyone can guess the kinds of things I was thinking and doing.

• Tried different antidepressants and mood-stabilizers, am now off one and on another, and a few weeks after that now I’m feeling– well, I guess the best way I can describe it is this: most the time, just barely over the line of a “neutral baseline mood” to either bad or good. Little more often bad but nowhere near as horrible as I was. I’m still quick to anger, self-hatred, etc. but it’s not as all-encompassingly intense and only “sticks” for hours rather than days or weeks.

• Despite feeling mostly better, I’ve had many messes to clean up after my depression storm, internal and external. After about 2-3 weeks to be lazy and calm down by sitting quietly, doing nothing, I’m now beginning to VERY SLOWLY get back into the swing of things.

• External examples: I’m getting in the habit of keeping up with the dishes now that even looking at a dirty dish no longer makes me want to throw it across the room, I’ve vacuumed a few times, I don’t leave a pile of full garbage bags by my front door thinking “I’ll do it later” until they stink up the place, and so on with housework. Another thing I’m trying (but still mostly failing) is to get back on track with a healthier diet (I gained more than 50lb in less than two months, and am now suffering many health issues due to it; I’ve also probably spent somewhere in between $500-$1000 on junk food alone during that time and due to other flippant big purchases [like ~$120 on music CD’s] so now I’m about two grand in credit card debt), and doing other miscellaneous tasks instead of endlessly putting them off like oiling my bike’s chain.

• Internal examples: I’m trying to be more mindful of the words coming out of my mouth, little things (gotta start somewhere) like not to flippantly say “everybody says/does/etc” so as to not lie, trying to be more kind and thoughtful of others in many little ways. I’m still terrible with idle speech online, though, but that’s a big hole to patch so I think I’d better deal with the little ones first!

• This morning I came up with an acronym and I’m gonna slowly but surely incorporate it in my life:

WTCCMM?

Will This Calm (and/or) Cleanse My Mind?

Maybe if I can really get into the swing of things I’ll have finally earned the right to sport over $250 in 14k-gold Buddha “bling”. :)

[Eric]

Also I’m sorry for acting up so hard. I’m still embarrassed about it — though not as embarrassed as I would be if I weren’t on multiple powerful mood-stabilizers! :P

Also oops, the above image link didn’t work, let’s try that again:

View post on imgur.com

[Eric]

Also I’m beginning to dip my toes back into reading PD.net . :) Though instead of the more “religious” posts — which if I practice mostly makes me feel silly (~30 years of atheism will do that to you) — I’m finding the abhidamma section more to my liking. I’ve never been spiritual, always the propeller-head type, even if it’s right now too complex to wrap my head around I hope just a little at a time I’ll understand more and more and one day certain concepts may begin to ‘click’ a lot better than trying morning prayers which again mostly makes me feel silly, that I’m wasting my time on useless nonsense. (Not knocking anyone for whom that’s a comfort, I’m just not into that but good thing there’s multiple paths up the mountain! What little of what I began with abhidamma is “tickling my brain” even if most of it goes right over my head at the moment, so hopefully this will work a lot better than chanting foreign words and such. :) )

[Anonymous]

Hello Eric,

You’re so fortunate to be at this site, I hope you just keep rereading it over and over again. I’m so grateful to Lal for these writings, it has pulled me out of desirous delusion state (manifesting, non-self, non-existence, etc.) where everything else has buried me deeper in the muck (aka, full of desires) which is at the heart of the problem here in this world.

Listed below are a few major points that have really helped me on the Path and with the process of calming the mind (niramisa sukha).

• when one doesn’t get what one wants, one gets depressed and/or more delusional and has a heated (tapa) mind state.
• anything one desires with tanha (attachment, repeatedly thinking about “it”) is a mind made pleasure and will have a bad outcome (kāma assāda)
• truly seeing that struggling to get things in this world that is setup for failure, will have bad outcomes. The key here is THIS WORLD IS SETUP FOR OUR FAILURE.
• getting anicca, dukkha and anatta to the point that it is so dangerous to be angry and desirous because it is hurting oneself and/or others
• comprehend and eliminate the 10 micca ditthi by seeing where in life they’re occurring and by doing the opposite good and meritorious work.

Much metta, Eric!

[Eric]

Thank you so much for the well-wishing! (Pun intended.)

Desire is pretty powerful for me, too, though in my case I believe not at the same level as the other poison of hatred and anger. Knowing how easily a firestorm of rage can whip up at the smallest infraction, I believe I need to direct most of my energies at uprooting that poison first before moving on to my addiction to junk food binges (especially when bored and depressed, hence the 50 lb weight gain) and then music. The latter probably doesn’t sound like a big deal, though when you consider:

• I’m more energized and strongly affected by sound than by sight.
• I’ve pumped my brain with all manner of songs in the past 3-4 months, rarely experiencing quiet.
• While many kinds of music can command my emotional state very well, nowadays I almost exclusively listen to songs with female Japanese singers.
• I can be as… energized… by a woman’s voice — especially if she’s singing — as specific specific features. (To put it as polite as I can.)
• I absolutely love Asian women.

Put the above together with my craving to listen to hard, heavy, aggressive music aaand…

https://youtu.be/P9miB6jKLRw

If someone invented a “tanha detector”, I bet while listening to any the above, scanning mine would make the machine burst into flames! I’ve exercised listening to such songs and been so over-stimulated I ignored my body’s warning signs and hurt myself… several times…

Though even with the double-hit to testosterone, still not as 5th-pleasure-violating at my craving for junk food. As heated up as the above may make my mind, none of it hits my health and wealth as directly as stuffing myself to obesity on cheeseburgers and ice cream to “fill the void within”. So if I DO have to hack away at sense-pleasures, working on eating will have to come first!

Makes me worried (and not with just the exercise thing!). But I’m crossing my fingers such probable 3rd-vow breaking sense pleasures will — as Lal explains — just sort of drop away on their own so long as I’m progressing elsewhere. That’s the hope, anyway…

[Lal]

Hello Eric,

I am glad to hear that you have made some progress and that you are determined to stick with a plan. Doesn’t it feel good to be in a clean environment? That makes the mind calmer.

You will get more incentive to stick to the plan when you start seeing more results. Remember that progress is slow in the beginning, just like it is hard to get a stalled car moving. But once it picks up some speed, it becomes much easier.

Also, if you like the Abhidhamma section, stick with it and don’t hesitate to ask questions. There is an Abhidhamma forum.

Also, try to cut down on videos and loud music gradually. Even though acquired knowledge can reduce that tendency, it will be much easier if you enforce some discipline. For example, no matter how advanced one is, one will not be able to do any critical thinking in an environment with many distractions.

If you can, try to spend a specified time without those distractions. Try to gradually increase that time.

[Eric]

Thank you! I’m definitely finding myself less perpetually-aggravated without clothes and garbage strewn about everywhere. As for a plan, I’m gonna take baby-steps in several areas (one big problem of mine is becoming very inspired and motivated to self-improve, then biting off more than I can chew):

• If I find myself mindlessly clicking about FaceBook (beyond responding to family posts), switch to reading about Dhamma here or elsewhere.
• I may get back into counting calories to lose weight again (much less slowly than before so I don’t end up feeling starved and binging!) but until then I’ll slowly hack away at the bad habits I’ve developed during my depression storm, like leaving baked potatoes to snack on which are delicious and filling even without adding anything!
• Reduce caffeine consumption (another bad habit I’d picked up when I had no willpower): if I get sleepy during the day, drink a cup of unsweetened tea instead of free Starbucks black coffee. (My job does have its perks. :P ) Also, no more energy drinks! Nobody needs >1000mg in their system — that’s enough to send someone with heart issues to the emergency room.
• I’ll take your music suggestion: about 1-2 hours before bed, either shut the music off or switch to something calming like contemporary, classical, or soundscapes. (Especially if I find fast & catchy tunes playing on repeat in my head.)
• Forge the habit of doing Scooby’s Rotisserie Core Workout while breakfast is cooking. (On the kitchen floor! :D )
• Some other stuff I’m forgetting.

As for the Abhidhamma section, so far I’ve mostly just re-read the first few pages with a wrinkled forehead, despite it all sounding so cool and interesting. One of these days I may understand the words I’m reading. :) Maybe I ought to stick to Living Dhamma for the time being.

[Lal]

Good plan, Eric.
I hope you will have the will power to stick to the plan.

Yes. It may be a good idea to switch back and forth between Abhidhamma and Living Dhamma sections. The Living Dhamma section starts with basic concepts, but goes to very deep levels in later subsections.

[Eric]

Now for some actual progress:

• This morning I switched my bed and my pullup stand, something I’d been putting off for a while. Vacuumed before and after moving.

• Then I removed that ratty tatami mat I’d had for at least five years, maybe four of those years dirty and torn:

https://i.imgur.com/VDgfrvL.jpg

Vacuumed after removing.

• As for music, I chose to only watch a few concerts to help wake up but spent most the rest of the pre-work morning listening to the likes of:

Warm and muggy out, and this helps! During winter, though, I need to be playing the likes of:

• Kept up with dishes. Hooray.

[Lal]

Congratulations!
Keep it up!

[Lal]

I just came across this old post which could be helpful for you to stay focused on your new plan of action:
How Habits are Formed and Broken – A Scientific View

[Anonymous]

In point # iv. It reads: “contemplate on the “release” or “cooling down” that has already resulted by following the above procedure,strengthening the resolve to stay on course, and keep doing (i) through (iii).””

I think it would be more clear if it said …stay on course, and keep in mind point (i) by doing point (iii). Otherwise, it says “keep doing” the same old bad habit.

BTW, this post is very timely for me as well for erasing some hidden defilements (anusayā).

Much gratitude and metta!

[Lal]

Actually, the way it is written seems to be OK to me. May be I am missing something?

When you say, “Otherwise, it says “keep doing” the same old bad habit.”
I don’t think I said to keep doing the same old habit.

[Anonymous]

I was working on a particularly complex piece of gati and the “why” was getting confused with the behavioral outcomes.

It was lack of self confidence and the inability to make choices on my own. With the guidance of the Dhamma, it’s easy to make choices…wise choices.

Much metta ????????

[Eric]

A few days ago, methinks I broke the 2nd precept with:

1) Particular piece of dessert at work (my job is at a restaurant) I’ve always wanted to try
2) With two other coworkers, taking it out of the walk-in freezer
3) Half-jokingly ask if there were any “broken” ones (ie, cannot be sold)
4) One coworker is confused, the second mentions I’ve always wanted to try one, the first coworker stabs a finger into it and says to the effect of, “it’s ‘broke’ now!”
5) I greedily devour it, then realize I had not only gained by immoral means (taken a $3.50 cake without paying) but set up for future 3rd and 5th precept breaking (I have a huge & probably insoluble problem with cravings to binge-eat [especially sweets!] when experiencing any strong “low” emotion from boredom to depression, and I would definitely call my comfort-food craving [which isn’t hunger or anything akin] an addiction [from powerful desire to the act itself to the simultaneous satisfaction and guilt] that drags me off the Path)

Then yesterday I ate junk food like crazy, especially that philly cheesesteak pizza — kamma coming to fruition? Or mere continuation of my lifelong vicious circle of comfort-food binging?

In any case, there are several shirts and pairs of shorts I bought not long ago that do not fit anymore… and I’m disgusted by my chubby face, thunderous thighs, bouncy belly… and I’ve got a perpetually sore and swollen left ankle that my aunt (nurse practitioner) says is edema… and my lifetime of back issues have gotten way worse to the point of NEEDING potentially-dangerous levels of painkillers to survive a work day!

[Eric]

Perhaps I should start, instead of trying to meditate on abstract concepts like “good” and “love” (I’ve always had trouble with abstractions like math and emotion), and instead try to do sitting meditation sessions while slowly feeling and pinching my belly fat etc and thinking about all the health issues that accompany THIS, not just what I HAVE but what I COULD like diabetes and heart attacks, both of which (like predisposition towards depression and similar mental illnesses) run in the family from BOTH SIDES…

Would something like this help?* Or only make me feel worse/guilty/angry instead of its intended purpose of spurring and sparking motivation towards healthier food choices?

• WTCMM? If I can lessen many health issues with being heavy, if I can feel less preoccupied with looking worse (I’m a vain individual :( ), I should have more energies freed up for seeking activities to help generate niramisa sukha instead of being locked up in negativity. At least that’s the conclusion of my ignorance-covered mind.

[Lal]

“Perhaps I should start, instead of trying to meditate on abstract concepts like “good” and “love” (I’ve always had trouble with abstractions like math and emotion), and instead try to do sitting meditation sessions while slowly feeling and pinching my belly fat etc and thinking about all the health issues that accompany THIS, not just what I HAVE but what I COULD like diabetes and heart attacks, both of which (like predisposition towards depression and similar mental illnesses) run in the family from BOTH SIDES…”

Yes. This is the key. The Buddha emphasized that the best way to remove cravings is to see the bad consequences of them:
Assāda, Ādīnava, Nissarana

Until one gets rid of the strong cravings (with determination), it is not even possible to grasp Dhamma concepts, because one’s mind is burdened too much tāpa or heat in the mind).

For example, those who do not see the bad consequences of taking drugs will never be able to comprehend Dhamma, until they get rid of that habit. Excess craving for food is below that but not too far below.

[Anonymous]

Hello Eric,

Lal recommended reading the post “How Habits are Formed and Broken – A Scientific View”.

I’m following that exact prescription to eliminate some tough and sneaky bad habits…it’s working amazingly! Even just reading and doing those 4 things in the beginning of the post, got me on track.

Also, I’m kicking the habit of eating when bored or faced with heavy stuff. What’s worked is walking out the door when needing clarity. Not only does it burn off the cravings, it is the best form of exercise that people stick with. This has been proven by research.

If by chance you have United Healthcare, they have an excellent program that pays you $3/day for hitting 3 walking goals a day. It builds up a nice little stash of funds in an HSA for copays or whatever.

Hope this helps!

Much metta

[Eric]

@Lal Makes sense. Thank you for letting me know why I’ve yet to really “get” (except on an academic/intellectual level) all the stuff I’ve been reading and listening to over the years! Maybe also a case of too much brain, not enough heart?

@inflib Interesting insurance plan. I know thanks to my new phone that I walk about 13,000 steps every work day so I ought to ask my healthcare provider if they have a similar program.

Excellent job on habit-breaking! I’ll do my best to follow your wake; my biggest challenge, though, is how much my mind “changes” when I’m in certain emotional states. For example, when I’ve got the deep blues (or just bored in front of my computer; all those annoying mind-tugs to “hey, hey dude, order a pizza!” are irritating!), my rational brain “shuts off” and then it makes perfect sense to throw away >$50 on one restaurant visit to desperately try and make the hurting stop if only for a little while. Speaking of:

=======

Few days ago, after doing okay for a while, had a craptastic day at work and — thanks to my very bad habit of eating to feel better — I fell off the wagon yet again: >$50 for 3 guys’ worth of Chinese takeout. And I ate every bite except for a few bites of fried rice.

Decided to save about $5 on delivery and tip by ordering over the phone then biking about three blocks to pick it up. Was a huge order so it took about 20 minutes longer than usual, so I waited in their lobby.

Was calm, no background music, the only customer except others picking up their orders every so often. Only “noise” was (I’m guessing) the restaurant owner’s children laughing and playing. Both were very happy with their tablet games; one showed me excitedly saying.. something. I can’t understand little-girl-speak in my own language let alone Chinese!

I was reading PureDhamma (aimlessly flicking through random pages) in this relaxing environment all the while I myself was excited for my feast. Then I wasn’t. Then I calmed down. Then even more calm, until I realized I was neither hungry nor craving anymore. That’s about when I got my order, and all I thought was, “Oh.”

I still ate all up over the next three hours, and felt like garbage the next few days, but methinks I learned something here…

…maybe next time I’ve got the blues, the shakes, and the shudders to stuff myself ’til near-puking on >7000 calories of deep-fried pizza ice cream steaks or whatever — then awakening from my haze to be double-hit with “I just threw away 6 weeks of dieting..!” AND “I could have saved for a new bike, or bought a few CD’s (or an overpriced import), or that self-basting turkey roaster I’ve been eyeing for months..!” — I should instead sit down (outside on a park bench if need be), shut up, and fill my head with pure dhamma for about a half-hour?

[y not]

Hello there Eric

“Maybe also a case of too much brain, not enough heart?”
“…and fill my head with pure dhamma for about a half-hour?”

I am glad to see that you are making progress, albeit it seems to be on-and-off, sporadic, if you like. Still, now at least you know what should be done, that some measure of control is necessary, even though you know quite as well that that will not always be possible. Being sincere with yourself is the first step.

Now I see a connection between the two quotes above. That is why I am writing.
We know that the seat of the mind and that of the heart lie very close together. For this reason, when I find myself in an emotional state, which is most often the case with me, I connect this with a dhamma concept and take off from there. In my younger years I was ‘all head’ with the heart sealed and the key tossed away somewhere I cannot remember. Moreover, whenever I am in neutral mode (the bhavanga state) for a stretch of time (this is where the allure of the senses have their field day, hence the danger ! I am sure you know EXACTLY what I mean by that)) and therefore am off dhamma completely for a couple of days, it is easier to connect to the heart through some emotional experience one had lived than force the intellect button ‘on’.

This is only my experience. With others it may not work, or some other way would instead. I say it in the hope that it may connect with something that you can work on.

Metta

[Lal]

Eris said: “.. I should instead sit down (outside on a park bench if need be), shut up, and fill my head with pure dhamma for about a half-hour?”

Yes. Do whatever that works to get the mind off those incessant cravings.

Compare your effort to the effort of a baby trying to learn to walk. The baby will fall many times a day initially, but will fall and less as he/she makes progress.

In fact, that is a good way to check your progress. Do you fall less and less each new week or each new month? If so, you are making progress. Keep it up and you will feel the joy of not falling for a whole day, a whole week soon enough!

[Lal]

Eric said: “.. I should instead sit down (outside on a park bench if need be), shut up, and fill my head with pure dhamma for about a half-hour?”

Yes. Do whatever that works to get the mind off those incessant cravings.

Compare your effort to the effort of a baby trying to learn to walk. The baby will fall many times a day initially, but will fall and less as he/she makes progress.

In fact, that is a good way to check your progress. Do you fall less and less each new week or each new month? If so, you are making progress. Keep it up and you will feel the joy of not falling for a whole day, a whole week soon enough!

[Eric]

“…albeit it seems to be on-and-off, sporadic…”

Not sure if I should post more of the little things, as not only can’t I remember most except after later reflection — or just later able to put into words long after I’ve moved on (most of these little things are “tossed into the mind-stream” as most the time I’m busy-busy with my job and other basics of living, with no guarantees of seeing them again) — I figured it’d be in poor form to spam the forum with the likes of the following 2-3 times daily:

“I find myself putting effort into ‘little honesties’: instead of saying ‘everything’ I say ‘several’ if this-or-that really is several, or ‘multiple’ instead of ‘several’ if it’s like 3-4 of this-or-that.”

“Oops, this morning I found myself gossiping and bad-mouthed a coworker! There has to be less nasty subjects to talk about during the rare moments we CAN talk.”

“I wonder if comedic exaggerations like ‘…smells like the swarming of demonic frog zombies…’ counts as a ‘lie even in jest’, and instead I should say ‘…like rotten eggs tossed at a chicken carcass…’?”

That, and I don’t always both have the time AND am “in the mood” to sit and write, even though I probably should more often as typing about whatever’s on my mind (even if it’s negative) is relaxing and sometimes “mentally-/emotionally-healing”.

===

“We know that the seat of the mind and that of the heart lie very close together. [snip]”

Some tasty brain-food to chew on for a while! And I definitely relate with my neutral moods opening the doors to my bad habits… :(

===

“In fact, that is a good way to check your progress. Do you fall less and less each new week or each new month? If so, you are making progress. Keep it up and you will feel the joy of not falling for a whole day, a whole week soon enough!”

And maybe I can say “I only ate FOUR pizza slices and not the whole thing”, too!

===

Thank you again everyone for the helpful advice!

[Eric]

Oops. Just noticed there’s a “Personal Experiences” subforum that’d’ve been a better fit for this thread. :\

===

One thing I keep noticing happening, not sure what to call it, but every so often I receive an out-of-“nowhere” string of memories (almost always bad ones, but sometimes wholly “new” or “branched off” fantasies) that seemingly rewrite themselves into worse versions which cause me to instantly get angry for no apparent reason until I catch myself. If I don’t somehow put a stop to it, these Bad Thoughts will invariably turn hateful and violent. And even then the aggression stays a while more often than not, especially after the violent kinds. These happen more often when I’m blue and bored, or already in a bad mood. Sometimes I notice them occurring after or during loud, aggressive music, too. Even if it’s a “happy” tune, or if I happen to be attracted to the singer. I should start watching and noting when and how they occur…

[Lal]

Eric: It is better if you stay on this thread.

“These happen more often when I’m blue and bored, or already in a bad mood. ”
This is important. A bad mindset attracts bad thoughts, and even bad kamma vipaka.

So, it is important to try to stay away from angry thoughts and even video games, loud music etc. A calm and clean external environment together with positive thoughts can make a big difference. You may want to read the following posts:
Annantara and Samanantara Paccaya
(Don’t be put off by the title)

The Law of Attraction, Habits, Character (Gathi), and Cravings (Asavas)

[Eric]

Those pages were cough enlightening. takes off sunglasses

:)

The first one, especially, makes a lot of the past fall in place. Like that one seriously stupid stunt I pulled when younger (drinking raw chicken blood to creep out a cute coworker), I’m very lucky I didn’t happen to have (at that time) a matching seed for deathly illness by food poisoning! And so far my sister’s habit of texting while driving… but it takes less than 1/10th a second for…

As for the loud music thing, it’s gonna be a loooong time before I can turn my back on one of my “key identifying traits” I’ve had since my age was a single digit. :( For the moment I’m trying on most days to limit the pep-up tunes when I “need” them: the morning and during exercise; sometimes I’m still in the wake-up process an hour after lifting what sometimes feels like a 30-lb head off my pillow, lifting my 60-lb butt off the bed, then dragging my pair of 45-lb feet away from bed. :(

In related news, I’m successfully reducing my bad habit of too much caffeine! No more coffee except in the morning (if I do), and if I “need” caffeine later I’ll just drink tea. And I need to force myself to stay away from energy drinks, no matter how delicious the pina-colada- and cotton-candy-flavored ones are. It might be healthier to just eat cotton candy and drink pina coladas anyway! Not that I plan to start…

I blame part of my lack of morning motivation to some of my prescriptions having that damnable drowsiness side-effect. :( But hey, I rarely have insomnia issues anymore like I’d battled most my life!

Oh, this morning I was remembering some irritating things someone said and I was in a foul mood for it — same ol’ anger-outta-nowhere thing except almost as intense as I’m used to before I was put on the anti-bipolar meds! Could barely start laundry because my mind was too fiery until I ranted over text to my brother about it to get a little of it out of my head.

Neither essential oils nor calming background noise (waterfall and birdsong and such, since I figured that’d be more effective on my mood than an air conditioner and box fan — I partially blame perpetual “need” for white noise on headache-inducing tinnitus should I let things get too quiet) was doing its job. Wasn’t until I saw a crack through the red haze just long enough to remember to check for replies to this thread — and reading then spending about an hour texting about those links and others with my brother (helps “cement” what I’ve learned, even if I’m just copy-pasting key passages to FaceBook) did the same for me as when I was in the Chinese restaurant!

=======

By the by, speaking of bipolar (I don’t know if I mentioned I’m diagnosed manic-depressive bipolar before this post?) last night I found a comment on a YouTube video on that mental illness that hit home hard. I’ll leave it on my blog for those interested (may help explain [not excuse] some of my more insane moments that I still feel bad about :( ) instead of copy-pasting here so I don’t litter the PD forums with probably irrelevant walls of text. :)

Maybe someone here experiences (first-/second-/third-hand) similar “Life on Hard-Mode” issues who has advice for how to deal with sudden random plunges into the abyss? Or maybe highlights the importance of mental/emotional balance? I dunno, just felt like sharing and typing a bit as that helps soothe the head. :)

[Eric]

Just thought of something:

Couldn’t the manic-depressive states also be described as the semi-randomized experiencing of extremes of high- and low-mindedness? Or is this a misinterpretation of uddacca and kukkucca?

[Lal]

Glad to hear that you are making progress, Eric. Keep it up!

“Couldn’t the manic-depressive states also be described as the semi-randomized experiencing of extremes of high- and low-mindedness? Or is this a misinterpretation of uddacca and kukkucca?”

It certainly could. This is why it is important to keep the mind calm as much as possible AND to learn Dhamma. Exposing oneself to distracting environment, whether it is unclean physical surroundings or loud music, violent video games, even too much television, can make the mind agitated.
– Then to top it off, the annantara samanantara paccaya will attract “bad previous kamma vipaka” too.
– So, it is important to gradually reduce such exposure. It may be hard to do in the beginning but stick with it.
– This is why they keep drug addicts in isolation forcibly sometimes (not for too long initially, but they keep increasing the isolation time).

[Eric]

Yesterday I broke the fourth precept to avoid embarrassment. Right as I was inhaling to do so I felt a “lightning flash” of guilt/shame due to fully knowing what I was about to do in the very next instant. Interesting how such things are happening more and more often. Now my job need be answer the phone more often than I leave it ringing. :)

===

There’s some difference before and after taking morning scripts: less INAG, or at least better able to control them (beforehand it seemed as impossible to stop The Bad Thoughts as it is to stop wind with your hands). It’s very annoying to go through my morning routine while the inside of my head is a killzone, which — while may not be reason #1 but certainly in the top three — why I almost always have music pumping into my ears while going through mindless activities. There are alternatives like listening to desana, though; tomorrow morning I think I’ll try that like I used to listen to lectures by Eckhart Tolle, Joseph Goldstein, Alan Watts, and similar.

===

There are many apps that you can set to randomly “text” you throughout the day; I’m using one to send me notifications off four lists: Body, Emotion, Consciousness, Dhammas. The purpose is to “get me out of my head” with basic mindfulness: Body contains messages like “Feel your feet? Your fingertips?” “Where’s your tongue?” “How’s your back?” (chronic back ache here) etc. Emotion: “Anything you can do about that right now?” (if no, I try not to dwell on it at that time) “How do you feel?” “You are going to die.” (impetus drive) and so on. Consciousness (in the Buddhist sense): “Think it will rain?” (brings to mind the feel/sight/smell of the weather) “What’s that over there?” “What’s that smell?” “Think about it.” and with Dhammas I add verses from Dhammapada, pithy sayings from Buddha, summaries of the likes of the Seven Factors of Enlightenment and the Four Supreme Efforts, and the like.

===

Odd happening: lately I find myself getting sleepy when I read Dhamma?? I’ll try with other reading to see if it’s not reading itself or just the calming effect of the Buddha’s teachings. Maybe my aforementioned scripts are piling on the drowsiness side effects too harshly? I’ve decided to experiment and try not taking them all in the morning and taking about half at night. Be nice to not need them at all, though… Anyway, if it is the drowsiness, maybe I’m gonna need to play some thunderstorm sounds or something like that when trying to wrap my head around what exactly is a citta and such. (I THINK I get it after reading about 3-4 different explanations… :) )

===

I’m having a VERY difficult time going to extremes with the caffeine (at least bending the fifth precept methinks), especially lately with the aforementioned drowsiness side-effects. Maybe I should talk to my doctor.

[Lal]

Eric: You seem to be a very intelligent person who can express things in a humorous way.

Yes. The key is to “catch yourself in the act”, before it goes too far! That is where the will power becomes important, together with understanding Dhamma.

Both are important.

[Eric]

Aww thanks :)

It’s definitely hard to implement willpower, something I need to work on. Maybe this is where regular sit down meditation would come in handy?

Speaking of, two days ago at work, for no apparent reason I was extremely agitated. Yelled at a coworker, thinking hateful and hurtful thoughts mostly self-directed, strongest they’ve been since before I got on my latest mood-stabilizer.

That frightening experience (which convinced me that I can’t just rely on multiple kinds of happy pills to keep my head stable) was the impetus that drove me to begin my experiment in replacing loud, bombastic music almost all the time with desana and chanting. So far I feel calmer overall (and a lot sleepier, took me over an hour to coax my head off my pillow; maybe I need to readjust to not having powerful sexy songs pounding my eardrums most the time) but it’s too early to make any conclusions methinks.

[Lal]

“It’s definitely hard to implement willpower, something I need to work on. Maybe this is where regular sit down meditation would come in handy?”

Yes. I think so. Being able to sit in one place for a while may be good idea. You can even have some reading material that is interesting and thought-provoking, so that your mind will be occupied.
– With time, you will be able to just sit and meditate.

[Anonymous]

Hi Eric,

I found an incredibly powerful process that is changing my life for the good and goodness of all. It’s “The Secret Code of Success” by Noah St. John.

It all started with a tea bag tag message “believe in better” and a bicycle reflector I found while on a walk. I did a google search on “life as a reflection of self” b/c everything I was experiencing on my walks was so aligned with my thoughts that it was downright strange…hence, my weird world I’ve been creating.

The nature or whatever one wants to call it will help, but until one is on the “straight path”, one will be met with struggle.

Remember, consciously and more importantly subconsciously “I am who I say I am”.

Example of positively changing the mind with step 1, “why is it so easy and okay for me to have, do and be anything I want?”

Understand this and you’ll break thru the imaginary fence!

:)
P.S. I got this audio book from my local library in an edownload.

[Eric]

Thank you guys. :)

“The Secret Code of Success” by Noah St. John

Found a kindle for only $2, sounds worth it to me!

[Eric]

Last night, while reading Getting to Sam?dhi via Formal Mediation Sessions, specifically the following line and a few prior leading up to it:

“In fact, most of the things that we do in a given day are done to just maintain our bodies, our houses, our environment in a presentable condition. Yet, we do not see the suffering associated with all those activities. That is another way to comprehend anicca nature.”

I don’t think I’ve come closer to getting anicca than this. It was a very “oooOOOoooh..!” moment, because exactly this has been a strong point of contention for me for a very long time: all these ‘stupid little things’ I have to keep doing and doing over and over just to maintain life! This contention becomes painfully pronounced during deep depression periods, when I lose the will to wash dishes or brush my teeth on a regular basis; I must have disappointed the dentist today! :( Anyway, when I’ve complained about these basics of survival as a 1st-world human, I tend to get blank stares like they want to slap me for being a whiner; this was just another of another batch of ‘stupid little things’ that tend to make me feel like “the only one in the whole wide world” who notices these things, noting the silliness of going through all the trouble just for the sake of pointlessly heading ’round and ’round with no end and no beginning and in my darkest moments…

And then I read that post and– well well well, I’m NOT the only one! Still quite depressing to consider, though: still feels like there was no beginning and there won’t be and end to any of it, but one day I hope to convince my ignorant brain that it’s wrong and Buddha’s right. Step one is more meditation, but even before that step zero is to keep calm, then go from zero to one. Or perhaps they’re the same? Goes to show how little I know (except academically/intellectually) after all this time. But at least now I have an intensely personal means to try my best at contemplating anicca, like I was trying while waiting at both the dentist’s office and the lobby at the barber. For example, watching the lawn mower going back and forth, back and forth, across the land around the church across the street, thinking about how the fruitlessness of doing so since the grass will grow back anyway (among many related ideas like the lawnmower breaking apart, the suffering of the guy on the lawn mower sweating under a hot sun and his ears being assaulted by the horrid noise of the lawn mower…) and how that, I think, is anicca. I don’t know it, but I think that’s it. One aspect of it, maybe.

[Lal]

Hello Eric,
You may want to read the recent post: “The Amazing Mind – Critical Role of Nāmagotta (Memories)“, and the related posts.

[Eric]

>above link
I believe it’ll take more than a few days before the message therein sinks in — my mind’s like a turtle: slow and steady. Shame I’m so impatient I rarely stick something out long enough for my head to catch up, which is yet another area for gathi-retraining. :)

===

Starting a few days ago I’ve been trying to ingrain the habit of anariya metta bhavana, just your standard focus on “May all beings be safe, healthy, happy, free of suffering”. I’m banking on the ‘say it enough times and it’ll become true’ maxim; as of now it’s mostly mechanical repetition for ten minutes at a time, but sometimes I’m feelin’ it. Once my focus needn’t be on ‘force it into habit’ I’ll try picturing my parents and thinking of all they’ve done for me and the like. Hopefully I can get over the guilt of a lifetime of selfishness in that area so I can instead feel gratitude. :(

I’ve also been listening to desana (desana?) mostly while biking to/from work. Most the time it’s something calming for my ears (as opposed to loud, bangin’ music), but once in a while my brain catches something to chew on like the fact that I’ve never considered family to be special, or anyone else other than myself for that matter; narcissism and baseless arrogance were always mental self-defense mechanisms I’ve been prone to falling in and being entrapped by. :( I’m doing a lot better nowadays than I was as a teen and tween, but there are plenty of deep roots to hunt down and burn…

[Eric]

In addition, the factors of reducing the music and sickening levels of caffeine, both which were being used to help counteract how dreadfully tired I get from the mood-stabilizers I need to keep from going off the deep end like I was doing the past few months, I mostly spend the first 2-4 hours every morning being too dreadfully tired to do much but hobble around like a half-zombie. That and the back pain. Oh Blessed One, the back pain. And sometimes the pain in my feet, being swollen and sore for no apparent reason starting about a month ago which my doctor tells me is plantar fasciitis. Most of this (especially the physical issues) wasn’t much of a problem before I really started trying to find the Path. Almost like all my kammic creditors noticed my intentions and came knocking!

[Lal]

Eric said: “Most of this (especially the physical issues) wasn’t much of a problem before I really started trying to find the Path. Almost like all my kammic creditors noticed my intentions and came knocking!”

This is true. I am glad to see that you made the connection.
These obstacles must be overcome with determination. They will go away.

[Eric]

Had an ahem episode a few days ago, lasting for about 1-1/2 days. Blew up at someone close to me over a small compliment which I disagreed with (I blame the build-up of pressure from several sources across several weeks which took the tiniest trigger to release), spammed a bunch of whiny posts on FB, threw my phone across the room (hit the closet door hard — so glad I spent extra for an extra-strong case!), the next morning took over 4 hours to stop feeling sorry for myself enough to drag myself out of bed. Looking at the bright side, though, it ONLY lasted less than 2 days and only happened once this month — a big improvement over about once a week and lasting several days like I was before taking my current mood stabilizer.

Speaking of, that thing’s working too well: most days I’m SO calm I barely have any energy left over from my job that I’m barely functional even on the weekend. I’m feeling weak and lethargic most the time. But part of my blow-up happened because I foolishly, desperately decided to halve my dose for about four or five days, so I can’t just stop. I’m definitely going to ask my doctor for something else; [name redacted] suggested a few things which worked for him as he and I have had nearly identical symptoms our whole lives.

===

In other news, I’ve been trying those Afformations suggested by @inflib starting yesterday (after my cage stopped rattling). Seems to be making me feel better, and some minor effects when I say the likes of “Why does listening to this chant soothe & energize me?”**, “Why am I so joyful yet calm?”**, and “Why does anariya metta bhavana fill my heart with love?” And we’ll see how much it helps to keep asking myself the likes of (my problem areas along with overcoming the ten micha ditthi), “Why does fried food disgust me?”, “Why do I hate ice cream?”, “Why don’t I need coffee / music to stay awake and alert?”, “Why am I comfortable with my body?”, “Why do I know the world exists?”, “Why are my parents so special?”, “Why do I realize the existence of beings with spontaneous births?” (And so on.)

===

** Thanks to the crazy which needs those aforementioned mood stabilizers, I have to keep a balance between “too happy/excited” and “too calm/serene/relaxed” as both can make me either too hyper or too sleepy to function! if I get ye olde burning in my gut & chest, even if caused by overmuch joy it can easily flip to anger in a finger-snap, then in moments turn me into a screaming hate machine! But if Afformations continue to help even a little, if (while exercising the exhausting act of “mood-monitoring” :( [sorry if I already showed that] ) I find myself getting tired or depressed I can repeatedly ask myself why I’m so happy and energetic, or feel my guts “catching aflame” I’ll keep asking myself why I’m always so chill and relaxed.

[Eric]

After watching my thoughts (even moreso than usual) I believe the bulk of my bad kamma beeja generation comes from insulting thoughts imagined towards everyone, including myself. And/or sudden memories which leave me all fouled up depending on how foul my mood already was. I’ve done this (spontaneously? kamma vipaka?) as far back as I can remember, which is in the Top Three of why I tend to blast music at myself as much as possible and/or bury my head in mindless Internet/computer sense-pleasures. :(

Anyway, nowadays when I catch myself (except during an episode when I welcome self-immolation.. hrmph) I’m more likely to “whoa nope no-no-no stop” even if I still feel heated for a while and the Bad Thoughts keep popping back up like that one Whack-A-Mole carnival game. Maybe this is when I need to stop doing whatever I’m doing (if I can) and play chants and such?

But still, I need to come up with pleasant things with which to force out those Bad Thoughts other than imagined sense-pleasures I’ll never experience. Well, maybe not yet if it works: to spark lesser fires if they can keep out the bigger ones, then deal with them at the right time? Just ruminating.

[Lal]

“But still, I need to come up with pleasant things with which to force out those Bad Thoughts other than imagined sense-pleasures I’ll never experience.”

Yes, Eric. That is very important.
Just thinking about those things is harmful. Most people do not realize how addictive this “day dreaming” is.

In this particular case, you may want to try to stop minor ones that can be stopped quickly. That may give you an incentive to work on bigger ones.

[Eric]

Good advice! Never smart to tackle the bear before you’ve learned to catch a fish. Or… I dunno, I tried with the analogy-thing. :P

My lifelong habit of daydreaming (which I’ve been doing since at least 4-5 years old) is going to take much effort. A strong imagination plus a propensity towards introspection and introversion.. well, maybe I can use them for good, too, instead of pretending I’m playing guitar while riding a flying dragon-motorcycle to get away from thinking about schoolyard bullying from 20 years ago. Speaking of, I also need to learn how to let go of grudges. :(

===

And now to finally update: the past few days I’ve felt like I was coming out of a haze. This kind of thing is normal for me: something or even apparently nothing at all will suck me back into a mental doldrum. I can’t wait to talk with the doctors next week to hopefully get me on something far less draining. Like another doctor I talked to a few days ago, it’s stymied “emotional highs” (eg, extremes of anger) but has left me in a default state of “emotional lows”.

Oh yeah, the aforementioned from Monday? I’m now officially diagnosed with autism, something I’ve been fighting for for years and years. And why? Mostly for closure, but more importantly so the help I’ve been seeking for a long time won’t keep turning me away at the door because I wasn’t legally diagnosed with anything. But now I can tell everyone “ha, told ja so”. :P

I don’t mention these things for sympathy or to “claim special-snowflake-ness” — I hate that so many misuse mental illnesses as excuses to misbehave! Anyway, I’m adding this here because I believe it’s an important milestone towards finally achieving even the smallest measure of niramisa sukha: it’s proven very hard to calm an agitated mind when I’m forever struggling to live a normal life! Maybe now doors will open for me, for example job placement (and/or put on disability? not sure yet if I want to “take advantage of ‘the system'” like this) so my current Wrong Livelihood isn’t stressing and burning me out almost all the time.

Speaking of Livelihood, even if you’re not mentally-handicapped, what are more aggravating careers than working for a casino? Not many, I imagine! But while I should feel accomplished that I’ve survived four years in a job that requires my weakest of skills and abilities, it’d be nice to work with my natural strengths for once. At yet I wonder if all this was “arranged” by kamma precisely to force me to overcome my natural weaknesses? For no matter who or where you are, no one and no where can one become financially comfortable without some measure of social skills. That, and to “punish” me for years of giving in to depression, leeching off mommy and daddy, and making many other terrible life choices during my formative years and beyond:

STILL fighting to escape. But hopefully now I can get on track towards a less unfulfilling lifestyle for the sake of dousing little by little the rattling furnace of my brain.

===

Something else to report: once (out of the several times so far I’ve attempted) during a formal meditation session of mentally repeating “Why do I wish all beings safety, health, happiness, freedom from suffering?” (trying the Afformations thing), along with focusing & visualizing glowing energies gathering behind my eyes (a meditation technique I learned from the late Barry Long which has worked for me in the past), the echo-chamber of my mind calmed down just enough to feel “warm fuzzies” and “swelling chest” along with my mind becoming still except for the inner chanting. But only after several minutes fighting against “automatically” latching on to every one of those echoes bouncing by. Was only able to sustain it for a minute or two, but it felt nice while it lasted. Maybe this is the time I need to start contemplating dhamma concepts?

[y not]

Eric,

You say,

“Maybe this is the time I need to start contemplating dhamma concepts?”

If I may ….NOW is the time, but how much will depend on the stage in life you are at. If I were younger coming to Buddhadhamma, still married and with a wife and 2 children to support, I do not know how much time I would have been able to dedicate to it, but certainly it would be less.

Now, past my mid-sixties, with life-energy at a premium and with all the household chores, shopping and so on, I have been diagnosed with CLL – that’s the fourth stage, the most benign form, of leukemia. The specialist, an old-school doc, announced very slowly and deliberately: ‘Ummm .. this is a very common condition with people your age, you know. You may live 15 years more; probably you will die due to something else before that !!! ” Very direct, good.

Thing is, there was a sense of urgency inside me the moment I discovered this site a year ago (I could not ignore the age factor; but even without that, I can be dead the next moment). Now it is no longer a question of ‘there may not be much time left’, but of ‘there is not much time left’ The whole future, which is endless, depends on that little time left. On NOW. Not just a matter of life and death, but of what kind of life after death. The stress of all that is relieved only by seeing that progress on the Path has in fact been made.

Finally, by meditation is not necessarily meant sitting down and doing formal techniques. There are many related posts on the site; just go to the Bhavana(meditation) section. The one I apply most of the time, and the one I have found out to be most effective in my case, because it is compatible with my nature, is the contemplation/reflection kind done when engaged in other activities, and that is, for the greater part of my waking hours.

Much Metta to you

[Eric]

Sorry it took so long to reply; still can’t think of a satisfactory (to me) means to reply other than to nod in agreement, thanks, and sorry about the diagnosis.

That, and to be a broken record with “the drugs make me numb, man”:

From my blog.

I’ve got my fingers crossed my doctor can put me on something less zombifying; I wish I could get your sense of urgency, or any overall feeling but numb. Drank so much coffee the past few days I was sick to my stomach, though. Speaking of doctors, I also hope another one does something about my back and feet pain, as almost every day I’m taking so many painkillers that I’m probably destroying my liver faster and worse than if I were an alcoholic but if I don’t I can’t do my job then I can’t pay my bills and so forth. I’m just a mess right now.

But I’m trying to force myself to at least read PD whenever I’d just me mindlessly flicking my FB feed just to take my mind off my mind.

From my facebook.

Sorry for being so doom and gloom, but… well, lying would be a dasa akusula. And “thunderous silence” doesn’t translate well over Internet posts. :P

But some good new: I feel like I’m really learning something from the Paticca Samuppāda pages!

Of course these posts of mine get practically no likes nor comments from friends and family. Sucks to have no one except over the Internet to talk to about Buddha Dhamma!

[Lal]

Hello Eric,

Yes. It may backfire if you try to make drastic changes too quickly. These things take time to heal.

Even the drugs may need to be reduced gradually. So, your doctors may be doing the right thing.

you are an intelligent person. You will overcome these problems over time. Just have perseverance.

[Eric]

Thank you again. :) Speaking of time, it’s been a bit so I’ll be bulleted:

• Got taken off that one medicine that was making me a zombie and was put on two others. Fingers crossed these work better.

• I’m getting better at catching and ending thought-streams as they arise, from imagined arguments (where I verbally curb-stomp them of course) to daydreaming about pretty girls or delicious food (in my mind they’re not much different). The latter are a lot more difficult to deal with, not because they’re any harder to catch or end but because a) I really want to get lost in these greedy thoughts, b) that’s how I’ve always “stopped” hateful thoughts. I realize now that’s counter-productive (the greed will just turn to hate when I don’t get whatever I’m fantasizing about) but it’s still a pain.

• While I’m still doing it every now and then, whenever I “eat bad” I’m finding I’m more able to know and accept exactly what I’m doing instead of getting lost in the munchies only then to find myself with “what have I done?!” self-hating sorrows. Today while ordering Chinese takeout I almost didn’t because it just seemed not worth the trouble — that and I was tired of oatmeal, eggs, broccoli, or yogurt. While I still ordered the tasty junk in the end, maybe next time the “this is pointless” will win out over the “must om nom now”? Worth a shot as trying to force myself, to say no-no-no to my comfort-food cravings, ultimately backfired each and every time for almost a decade now. But if I just don’t care maybe that’ll “take the power away” from this particular addiction?

• I’m finding that I reach much more (formal) meditative states reading PD than anything else: more than once, after reading for at least twenty minutes without distraction — and with serene music in the background — I was able to sustain for several minutes a feeling of “warm fuzzies/pricklies” mostly in and, somehow, over the surface of my face and forearms. I’ve never gotten this from reading Buddhism anywhere else. But then again what I thought was Buddhism before were mostly books by the likes of Alan Watts and Thich Nhat Hanh.

• The few times I’ve tried chanting for similar timeframes, only once was I able to reach a similar state. But it was only for a few seconds and the sensation was “shallow”. Maybe I’m doing it wrong or I’m just not the chanting type. Listening to them, yes, but not so much doing it.

• One page on PD mentioned eventually one goes from it being a chore to a desired activity. I believe I’m beginning to make that transition from “have to” to “want to”.

[Lal]

“.. daydreaming about pretty girls or delicious food (in my mind they’re not much different). The latter are a lot more difficult to deal with, not because they’re any harder to catch or end but because a) I really want to get lost in these greedy thoughts, b) that’s how I’ve always “stopped” hateful thoughts. I realize now that’s counter-productive (the greed will just turn to hate when I don’t get whatever I’m fantasizing about) but it’s still a pain.”

This is a really critical point.
“Kama raga” or craving for sense pleasures is intensified by constantly thinking about them (vaci sankhara). Most people do not understand this, but you seem to be getting this point.

For example, suppose one stops eating candy bars in an effort to get out of that habit. But if he keeps thinking about it, then that habit will never go away.

Of course, most people do this in sexual situations. They do not realize how addictive that is. The key to get rid of such habits is to find an alternate “focus point” for the mind, i.e., to find an alternative thing to work on or think about: “How Habits are Formed and Broken – A Scientific View“.

A powerful technique is to think about the bad consequences of keeping that bad habit, i.e., keep “day dreaming” about it.

Another is generating hateful thoughts (still vaci sankhara) about other people. Even if one does not say a single bad thing to that person, generating such hateful thoughts has the same effect. Those will also lead to similar kamma vipaka, as if one said those things out loud: “Correct Meaning of Vacī Sankhāra“.

You seemed to have read this post. I am emphasizing this for the benefit of others who may not have read it.

I am glad to see that you are making progress. The hardest is to get started. Once you pick up some speed, it will get much better.

[namo0804]

I hope you are doing well 🙏

[Author]

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