[shez]

So many obstacles, no where near destination.

I want to tell my story from the beginning.
I was born to a Sri Lankan mum and an English father. we were staunch Buddhists, and me as strong as any – but we followed the Thai tradition which we had access to. As a primary school child i refused to read fiction. When I was still a teen I had the strong desire to ordain, but a string of high profile monks disrobing gave my mother cause to hesitate – get a degree first, then you can ordain. I kept my mundane 5 precepts moderately well but I did not practice much, spent more time playing games than studying. I got through a medical degree despite not wanting it much, but in final year met a girl who really liked me. Not a buddhist, but she had very strong ethics, so we matched well enough.

Now we have 2 small kids, but i feel like I’ve fallen so far from where i started, and my life is a straightjacket – I still have to study for specialist exams, I have shiftwotk hours and no one around me but my now distant parents understand my real priorities. I gave my life away.

the first time I read Lal’s site it was revelatory, but I cannot keep the meanings in mind – it slips though my mind and now it cannot have the impact it had the first time I read it. When i sit i only get turmoil mostly.

But I knowthat I had it in my mind rightly before, and I struggle vainly to get it back.

#grief

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