I hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to be direct. Some of the remarks that you made in this post were broadly accurate. With that said, the general direction you seem to have headed in is off (in my opinion, at least). I would suggest retracing your steps back to the fundamentals.
The process of walking along the path involves converting the conceptual understanding of reality that you have into a direct, intuitive, experiental understanding. For most of us, that turns out to be a slow and incrimental process. Consider that reaching the point of having conclusively seen through sensuality (and as a result, removed kama raga and patigha) is a monumental achievement. Yet, that anagami would still be ‘fooling for the magic trick’ corresponding to the rupa loka and arupa loka. But even for that ariya, they still wouldn’t have got to the bottom of ‘self’. So, you’ve got to walk before you can run. Don’t focus on the final boss if you aren’t even a third of the way through the game. Focus on the tasks that are relevant now. Those are the ones that will help you to ‘level up’ and make progress.
When I was at uni (before I came across Buddha Dhamma), there were plenty of opportunities to party. I would often think to myself something like, “I know I shouldn’t drink too much tonight because I’ve got a lecture first thing in the morning.” But every now and then, I would throw caution to the wind and tell myself, “Ahhh that’s okay, future-me can deal with the consequences”.
So I’d go out with friends, get drunk and party. Waking up the next morning was always a painful experience, because I’d realise that the whole ‘future-me’ line of reasoning was complete b.s. – it was me that would have to contend with the hangover. So, it’s super-easy to think things like – there is no self; there are just moments of self that are conditionally arising due to attaching to things out of ignorance. But are you still experiencing a sense of self? And does that sense of self seem real? Yeah, it does. It seems like the realest thing that there is. And all of this is besides the point – self is not the issue. The issue is attaching (tanha) to things that are of anicca, dukkha, and anatta nature.
Anyway, these are just some thoughts off the top of my head. They are well-meaning, so I hope it’s taken in that spirit.
