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Hālo,
What is the best thing to do when being verbally abused face-to-face in terms of thoughts, speech and actions in the work place?
In a recent encounter, I used the words “I’ll do my best” and a couple of “okays”. I did feel the “heat” in this situation.
I am now contemplating and practicing for future events to have right thoughts (compassion and forgiveness), right speech (to speak or not to speak) and right actions (stay and listen or walk away…eek!), so I don’t create any more kamma beeja and be as kind as possible.
I’m concerned that silent may cause the niyata micca ditthi person to act out even more, but I do not want to lie just to make that person stop. In the above example, saying “okay” to their demands was lying b/c I didn’t agree with what was being said and knew I would not complete their demands. Therefore, I committed a dasa akusala action in a kamma vipāka instead of remaining neutral.
What would you do? How would you change perception to a neutral mindset? Is it through compassion for their current niyata views and state of being?
Much gratitude for your guidance!
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Hello Donna,
This is my experience; as to it being guidance,you make as much of that of it as you see fit, or better said, as much as you are capable of in a situation.
Only two weeks ago I stormed out before a family lunch had even started because an in-law raised his voice. Normally, I can take insults, but as soon as someone raises his/her voice, my automatic reaction is to put an end to it by walking away, not caring even to justify the words or actions that led that somebody to start shouting. Now walking away is not always possible, because a family member stood in my way at the front door, pleading for me to stay on. As calmly as I could, I kept repeating:’ I want to leave.Just let me leave’
Now that certainly is not the best way to handle such a situation; probably it is not even a good way. It may actually be a bad way. So, as to your concern that ‘I’m concerned that silent (you mean silence) may cause the niyata micca ditthi person to act out even more’ cannot arise in my case. But, to be honest, that is not my concern at all. I ADMIRE THAT IT IS YOURS, THOUGH. My only concern is to not let the matter aggravate by verbal exchanges. And THAT I cannot take. I had had more than my share of it with my ex-wife. Even when I see two strangers arguing, even if only on the phone, I just walk away from there. In my case, my ‘compassion for their current niyata views and state of being’ comes only later, when the incident is over and I am calm again.
Of course, in your case, you cannot walk away from the work place. I had done that too (!) when I was younger.. and was suspended. So, Donna, even if you find no ‘guidance’ in all I have said, you will at least know that one other at least shares your experience. I sincerely hope that the replies of others will provide you with the guidance you are looking for.
with Metta
y not
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We all know such situations are not easy to handle. Normally I just look at the person and wait until the insult is over. Sometimes I feel rising heat inside and notice that as “heat”. I understand the person in front of me as “having bad gathi and no control about”.
If the offense is too strong or hurting, I directly say “(please) stop shouting!” or “you shout at me, do you realize that?”.
The insult triggers certain gathi in me but mostly I can catch the manosankhara before I say something bad. Of course not always. It also helps when I speak slowly and think slowly. The process remains more under control.
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@inflib (Donna): Dealing with people could be unsettling, but of course it is impossible to avoid. So, one just do the best one can. I think you are doing the right thing. If you try to “reason out”, it may lead to aggravation and escalation.
You said: “I’m concerned that silent may cause the niyata micca ditthi person to act out even more, but I do not want to lie just to make that person stop.”
In Buddha Dhamma, the true intention (cetana) overrides anything defined in the conventional sense. “Musavada” in Buddha Dhamma is NOT “lying” in its literal sense.
During the Nazi terror in Germany, many Germans “lied” to the Nazi’s that they were not hiding Jews in their houses; of course the intention was to save human lives and thus it was the right thing to do and it was NOT musavada. They acquired good kamma for protecting lives.
We need to realize that “lying” — as meant in as “musāvāda” in the five precepts — really means the “intention” involved: “Musā” means “wrong or incompatible with morals” and “vāda” means “speech”.
-Therefore, even though they were literally lying, their intention was not a “musāvāda“, but actually a “good deed”.Let me give an example from the Tipitaka.
The Buddha asked his brother-in-Law Nanda to become a bhikkhu on Nanda’s wedding day, before the wedding. Prince Nanda was to get married and become a King too, the same day. Nanda could not say “no” to the Buddha out of respect. After becoming a bhikkhu, Nanda kept thinking about all that he “missed out”. Then the Buddha took him to a deva world and showed him the female devas, and asked whether his bride was better looking than them. Nanda replied that his bride looked like a “burned monkey” compared to the female devas. So, the Buddha said Nanda could get access to such devas, if he followed Buddha’s instructions. Nanda agreed, and soon attained the Arahanthood. Of course, he realized well-before that nothing in this world was better than Nibbana.
The point is that the Buddha saw Nanda’s ability to attain Arahanthood. If he got married and became King, he would never attain Arahanthood. Rather, a king is very likely to be reborn in the apayas, because of the things that a King has to be involved with. So, what the Buddha did was to save Nanda from all that suffering.
A Buddha, by definition, cannot utter a musavada.
So, I hope you get the point from this story. One needs to act wisely according to the situation at hand. Obviously, the Buddha handled the situation that way, because he saw the potential of Nanda to attain the Arahanthood. Also see: “Right Speech – How to Avoid Accumulating Kamma“.
By the way, what Tobias is saying about “heat in the mind” is tāpa, which is addressed in the Satipatthana Sutta: “Satipatthāna Sutta – Structure“.
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The link for Prince Nanda’s, story is from the Udana section..
https://suttacentral.net/ud3.2/en/anandajoti.
There was a nice sutta from Sariputta, the full sutta is very intresting to read.. There should be at least a single act of kindness you can recall, from even the worst of people. E.g. they can buying u a coffee,or meal, etc. I know it a very hard thing to do, but u can reflect on the good side.https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/an/an05/an05.162.than.html
Ven. Sariputta said: “There are these five ways of subduing hatred by which, when hatred arises in a monk, he should wipe it out completely. Which five?
“There is the case where some people are impure in their bodily behavior but pure in their verbal behavior. Hatred for a person of this sort should be subdued.
“There is the case where some people are impure in their verbal behavior but pure in their bodily behavior. Hatred for a person of this sort should also be subdued.
“There is the case where some people are impure in their bodily behavior & verbal behavior, but who periodically experience mental clarity & calm. Hatred for a person of this sort should also be subdued.
“There is the case where some people are impure in their bodily behavior & verbal behavior, and who do not periodically experience mental clarity & calm. Hatred for a person of this sort should also be subdued.
“There is the case where some people are pure in their bodily behavior & their verbal behavior, and who periodically experience mental clarity & calm. Hatred for a person of this sort should also be subdued.
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Itā honda toraturu. Obē manga penvīma obata stūtiyi! ????????
Very good information. Much gratitude for your guidance! -
I think the best way (in my opinion) to handle such situation in office (where you will have to go regularly) is to cultivate metta toward all beings and in particular, metta toward the person(s) with whom you are not in good terms. Do Ariya (even anariya) metta bhavana daily. And if possible, do metta bhavana saying person such and such be happy and healthy. In due course of time, the situation and relation with those persons will improve and you will be surprised.
In office it is not possible to avoid people working in same office. Hence, the best is to cultivate metta. My personal experience is that it definitely help, although may take some time.
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