I can see that I havent expressed myself in an understandable way and will try to explain further. I am simultaneously learning about myself during this conversation. :)
I understand perfectly that I need to have a healthy body to learn and share what I Know (not what I don’t yet). That is why I said I might have to occasionally break sila if I’m to stay close to my family and help the people I owe first. Right now it feels ok to go without that much food actually. The mental suffering of breaking this is bigger than the bodily of enduring hunger, which doesn’t feel like any suffering right now.
I also just feel like eating once a day around 12 o’clock. This one is harder to Know for sure if it’s innate and it doesn’t feel like such a crime if I were to break that. I’m open for change though, I can always decide differently if a new (True) feeling would arise.
I think its perfectly ok for laymen to have a job and earn money. It may seem like I was being judgmental, which I apologize for in that case. I just mean to say that I have a natural stop sign telling me not to earn money in exchange of work anymore.
Donations are different because they are not associated with an expectation (I’m not asking for them either). I didn’t know how to express this before, even to myself, because I didn’t have the proper understanding of from Where these feelings were arising. The proper framework.
What Im trying to convey is that I have had an intuitive feeling growing for months before this realisation that seem to be in line with the “rules” that monks and nuns follow. Which is why I’m seriously considering joining a monastery. But first I feel like paying my debts with people who have been significant for me to reach this point in life by helping them back.
As I said in the first post, I can now see that I have had this quest to become wiser for a long time in life. Starting in young years. It was just a whinding road and now I can make more sense of it all.
I might seem to rush, but it’s a necessity for me to align my life as soon as possible with what I Feel is true. In truth I was quite upset when I first thought I had committed a horrible crime, but it’s getting clearer and clearer and I am calmer and calmer.
Im immensely grateful to have found your homepage, Lal. Thank you for providing this platform of knowledge for people to see what rhymes with their inner truth.