First of all, Thank you Jittananto for the advice. I have looked into the center and booked a guidance call with a monk that will happen today.
Second, I want to give a small update. Since I wrote my first message here in this thread, I have done nothing else but reading, contemplating and adhering to the best of my ability to perfect sila/“moral”. I realized that without planning for it, I’ve lived very close to a monastic life at home these days, contemplating all that I read. Only thing where I might have to break sila is to cook for exclusively myself. The thought brings me some suffering though, so it would be an inspiration to hear about examples of keeping perfect sila in life outside a monastery. The main thing being that I currently live in western society and I’m expecting to go many days hungry and some part of me is afraid of creating feelings of alienation in people. I still want to be here to help my family and wider community to find real happiness, but I don’t want them to think I joined a sect, so I might decide to break sila to not make them uncomfortable. I don’t live very close to them either so the practical aspects are still something I’m pondering on how to solve. Another option is to actually move to a monastery, but it doesn’t feel right at the moment. Now I’m thinking It might be breaking the sila occasionally that is the right thing to do..
So far I have been able to relate various texts on this page to my own life experiences and haven’t found inconsistencies or contradictions yet. There is ofc also a lot that I still don’t fully grasp and need to contemplate, but faith is growing even in the more complex subjects.
