On the breath, I think I used more of the focus on ”cooling down”/nothingness before the course. That was the one that felt/feels more intuitive now that Im aware. I also read several other texts which have given me what I feel like is greater insight.
I now feel like your teaching is purer and more complete and therefore I might have promoted Vipassana falsely among friends and family, therefore “missing the shot”. Have I?
It also led to a new insight that after seeing Some truths, I was thinking it was ok to go against what I knew to be true for a little while just to relieve some temporary, personal suffering by creating a bit more suffering. For example continue to apply for jobs that I didn’t really want (lying) and in general failing to live a “perfect” life according to my new truth, trying to integrate my life before realizing certain things with the one after. I said I wasn’t done suffering, not really understanding How much suffering this could possibly create in the “eternal”/eternal future. Now I think I understand that I might go to apaya next and I felt intense fright for some hours. What made me think it’s ok, was the thought that if life is impermanent, then don’t we all eventually find nibbhana?
This seems like a paradox to me, that the suffering is Immense and at the same time everything is fine (I dont know how I know that, but I had that strong feeling once in meditation). Then why do we even feel it’s that important to reach nibbhana?
I think it’s because we love, I love. We are love and want everyone to know that. This is what’s making me sad here, that I feel like I missed a chance to make myself and other beings happy.
I feel like I’m oscillating between deep insight and illusion which makes me unsure of what is true and how to live properly. I get very bad conscience when I do something that goes against what I think is right at the moment, but then that “right at the moment” is not always clear and then I get bad conscience for past actions where I should have known better. Feels impossible.
I have very practical questions like how do I get food when I feel I can’t ask for it and don’t feel I should prioritize it over dhamma but feel the desire for it? Right now I have difficulty seeing the highest actions.
Sorry for being all over the place with my thoughts but I’m thinking that my back and forth probably gives a pretty accurate picture of the current state. And I believe that you understand better than I do. Thank you for giving me more food for thought!