Good advice! Never smart to tackle the bear before you’ve learned to catch a fish. Or… I dunno, I tried with the analogy-thing. :P
My lifelong habit of daydreaming (which I’ve been doing since at least 4-5 years old) is going to take much effort. A strong imagination plus a propensity towards introspection and introversion.. well, maybe I can use them for good, too, instead of pretending I’m playing guitar while riding a flying dragon-motorcycle to get away from thinking about schoolyard bullying from 20 years ago. Speaking of, I also need to learn how to let go of grudges. :(
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And now to finally update: the past few days I’ve felt like I was coming out of a haze. This kind of thing is normal for me: something or even apparently nothing at all will suck me back into a mental doldrum. I can’t wait to talk with the doctors next week to hopefully get me on something far less draining. Like another doctor I talked to a few days ago, it’s stymied “emotional highs” (eg, extremes of anger) but has left me in a default state of “emotional lows”.
Oh yeah, the aforementioned from Monday? I’m now officially diagnosed with autism, something I’ve been fighting for for years and years. And why? Mostly for closure, but more importantly so the help I’ve been seeking for a long time won’t keep turning me away at the door because I wasn’t legally diagnosed with anything. But now I can tell everyone “ha, told ja so”. :P
I don’t mention these things for sympathy or to “claim special-snowflake-ness” — I hate that so many misuse mental illnesses as excuses to misbehave! Anyway, I’m adding this here because I believe it’s an important milestone towards finally achieving even the smallest measure of niramisa sukha: it’s proven very hard to calm an agitated mind when I’m forever struggling to live a normal life! Maybe now doors will open for me, for example job placement (and/or put on disability? not sure yet if I want to “take advantage of ‘the system'” like this) so my current Wrong Livelihood isn’t stressing and burning me out almost all the time.
Speaking of Livelihood, even if you’re not mentally-handicapped, what are more aggravating careers than working for a casino? Not many, I imagine! But while I should feel accomplished that I’ve survived four years in a job that requires my weakest of skills and abilities, it’d be nice to work with my natural strengths for once. At yet I wonder if all this was “arranged” by kamma precisely to force me to overcome my natural weaknesses? For no matter who or where you are, no one and no where can one become financially comfortable without some measure of social skills. That, and to “punish” me for years of giving in to depression, leeching off mommy and daddy, and making many other terrible life choices during my formative years and beyond:
STILL fighting to escape. But hopefully now I can get on track towards a less unfulfilling lifestyle for the sake of dousing little by little the rattling furnace of my brain.
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Something else to report: once (out of the several times so far I’ve attempted) during a formal meditation session of mentally repeating “Why do I wish all beings safety, health, happiness, freedom from suffering?” (trying the Afformations thing), along with focusing & visualizing glowing energies gathering behind my eyes (a meditation technique I learned from the late Barry Long which has worked for me in the past), the echo-chamber of my mind calmed down just enough to feel “warm fuzzies” and “swelling chest” along with my mind becoming still except for the inner chanting. But only after several minutes fighting against “automatically” latching on to every one of those echoes bouncing by. Was only able to sustain it for a minute or two, but it felt nice while it lasted. Maybe this is the time I need to start contemplating dhamma concepts?