Had an ahem episode a few days ago, lasting for about 1-1/2 days. Blew up at someone close to me over a small compliment which I disagreed with (I blame the build-up of pressure from several sources across several weeks which took the tiniest trigger to release), spammed a bunch of whiny posts on FB, threw my phone across the room (hit the closet door hard — so glad I spent extra for an extra-strong case!), the next morning took over 4 hours to stop feeling sorry for myself enough to drag myself out of bed. Looking at the bright side, though, it ONLY lasted less than 2 days and only happened once this month — a big improvement over about once a week and lasting several days like I was before taking my current mood stabilizer.
Speaking of, that thing’s working too well: most days I’m SO calm I barely have any energy left over from my job that I’m barely functional even on the weekend. I’m feeling weak and lethargic most the time. But part of my blow-up happened because I foolishly, desperately decided to halve my dose for about four or five days, so I can’t just stop. I’m definitely going to ask my doctor for something else; [name redacted] suggested a few things which worked for him as he and I have had nearly identical symptoms our whole lives.
===
In other news, I’ve been trying those Afformations suggested by @inflib starting yesterday (after my cage stopped rattling). Seems to be making me feel better, and some minor effects when I say the likes of “Why does listening to this chant soothe & energize me?”**, “Why am I so joyful yet calm?”**, and “Why does anariya metta bhavana fill my heart with love?” And we’ll see how much it helps to keep asking myself the likes of (my problem areas along with overcoming the ten micha ditthi), “Why does fried food disgust me?”, “Why do I hate ice cream?”, “Why don’t I need coffee / music to stay awake and alert?”, “Why am I comfortable with my body?”, “Why do I know the world exists?”, “Why are my parents so special?”, “Why do I realize the existence of beings with spontaneous births?” (And so on.)
===
** Thanks to the crazy which needs those aforementioned mood stabilizers, I have to keep a balance between “too happy/excited” and “too calm/serene/relaxed” as both can make me either too hyper or too sleepy to function! if I get ye olde burning in my gut & chest, even if caused by overmuch joy it can easily flip to anger in a finger-snap, then in moments turn me into a screaming hate machine! But if Afformations continue to help even a little, if (while exercising the exhausting act of “mood-monitoring” :( [sorry if I already showed that] ) I find myself getting tired or depressed I can repeatedly ask myself why I’m so happy and energetic, or feel my guts “catching aflame” I’ll keep asking myself why I’m always so chill and relaxed.