Yes, thanks Lal.
I feel in myself there is a struggle going on for decades.
There is, as it were, this worldly Siebe, this worldly man with so much fire, eagerness, passion, desires, hopes, dreams, big expactations of this world.
This mindstream can be very strong. I call this sometimes ‘the child-inside me’. A part of me wants to be childish. It does not want to awaken. It does not want to see things as they are. It wants to dream. It enjoys being intoxicated, not by drugs or liquor, but intoxicated with dreams, hopes, desires etc. It has the perception of nicca. It holds on to it and does not want to loose it.
It can become destructive, drag down wisdom and the Triple Gem, drag down Lal, it can become quit obstinate…and yes, it can enjoy that too. I think it’s not oke, but it is there.
So i can see there is a habitual resistence to awaken and obstinate tendencies to ripen, but there is also a longing to awaken, to find the Truth.
Both manifest as struggle.
I know by now forcing too much is not good too. This you teach too in your posts i read. Things have to develop naturally.
I have accepted that this struggle is apparantly my way. It’s not really a conscious choice to struggle. Digesting Buddha-Dhamma comes with Siebe burping sometimes and getting cramps, but in a deeper sense i feel i am on the right track. Sometimes there maybe an outburst of burps, but i do not give op.
Your posts on your website are helpful for me in digesting Budddha-Dhamma.
Much merit to you!
kind regards,
Siebe