Hi Shez,
I guess it has something to do with your pāramī. But don’t waste this life. You have to stay resolute to make a difference. Please don’t waste this lifetime. There are only 2 outcomes. One, continue to stay in sansara. Two, attain Nibbana. The puthujjana will continue to perpetuate suffering in sansara whereas the wise men will strive to attain liberation in this very life. There is no such thing as enjoying life and stay liberated at the same time. Lots of wise contemplation helps!