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I would like to start a discussion to learn the opinions of wise folks here regarding their view on Marriage/Relationship and the associated burden of Attachment. I know there are some married folks here. What would you suggest to unmarried Dhamma practitioners? Of course not everyone can be a monk, right? There are obligations in (lay) life we need to fulfill.
A relationship does come up with a heap of attachment. Even when we are not formally dating someone, there can be attachment. For instance, I have a girl friend who I met in College and often hung out with but we both parted recently. My state of mind used to be frequently agitated during that time which is why I never seriously considered asking her out. I am now more matured and due to months of Dhamma practice, my mind is in a better state. But now I’ve started lamenting not doing what I think I should have done. She is utterly kind and I’m sure she has enough paramita to be able to comprehend Buddha’s teachings too. This makes me regret it even more. I could speak to her in social media and tell here how I feel but I really don’t know if it’s the right thing to do. The mind can feel emotions and I find myself experiencing sad emotions.
What do you guys think would be the right thing to do in this situation? Is the burden of attachment worth it?
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You mentioned that she has enough paramittas to understand the Dhamma. So, don’t hesitate and try to work things out in a way that makes both of you cordial. Then, tell her about the Dhamma and allow her to learn. Of course, that doesn’t mean you have to get back together with her. This kind of decision can only be made by you and her. The important thing here is sharing the Dhamma. If you had an attachment to her, it’s because your gati was very similar at one point. Even if you are no longer together, there is still a karmic bond that connects you in some way. You have karmic debts to each other. By giving her this opportunity, you will accumulate a large quantity of paramitas and kusalas, and your path to Nibbāna will be facilitated. If you think she’s open enough to listen, it would be a shame not to try! The gift of Dhamma surpasses all other gifts. You will give her the best thing she could hope to have. 😁
Sabbadanam dhammadanam jinati
The gift of the Dhamma excels all gifts
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I can only give my 2 cents here but after learning the dhamma I found some of my friendships “burdensome”, particularly those that I am not close to. I am also in a relationship but I do not fully perceive it as anicca, dukkha and anatta (sanna wise), even though the ultimate reality as preached says it should be so (I entered the relationship before learning dhamma).
But I also realised that some of my hobbies have fallen away, there maybe fewer things of common interest eventually. Now the sankhara dukkha becomes more obvious to me, I become less enthusiastic for activities requiring more preparation/ planning, just to see a trace amount of “sights”, but i would still be ok with it (aversion is bad too!)
I wouldn’t discourage it just because we have to see everything as worthless, one has to believe it for themselves and let go slowly, not forcefully. If not that might cause you more suffering. But it is good to communicate how the dhamma might change you as well, because it can change a person drastically. Eg she may be happy to be with you because for now you still share common interest, but learning of the dhamma will fade that away. It is good to manage expectations too! We all know what happens when people see things as nicca instead of anicca! Ideally if she learns the dhamma then it is fantastic.
Just my personal experience and thoughts! Not sure on the perspective of before entering a relationship with dhamma knowledge tho.
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Thank you for your warmhearted responses, Gad and Thomas. She is a Christian and sadly a little gullible which is why she has been brainwashed by her surrounding to an extent. It would take some effort on my end to help her realize the value of Dhamma. I doubt if it would be possible to do so in a superficial relationship.
It is true that everything is anicca, which is why sooner or later we would have to part again. But the chance of her embracing the Dhamma makes me think it could be worth it. I think I will try to get back to her. Thanks again, guys!
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All the best! And please do it tactfully with minimal pressure!
Jethavanarama Buddhist Monastery explains buddhist concepts very clearly without invoking kamma and rebirth at the start. I found their explanations very good when trying to explain things with my friends, didn’t even have to call it “buddhism” in the first place, just using logic and personal induction. This Sermon is one of my favorite explanations to get started, on the cycle of wanting.
It would be good to have some understanding of Christianity too. All religions have morality as a common point so it can be discussed as well. But you need to be ready that some christians view buddhism as “demonic”, and not be upset and turn it to a heated discussion. Some just have strong views like that. Don’t come in with too much expectations!
Also to fully comprehend the dhamma we need to learn the wider world view, but that can be later if she is receptive.
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You are welcome, Taryal !!!
Yes, Pathfinder is right. What I like about the bhikkhus of the Jethavaranama monastery is that they teach the Dhamma in a language that non-Buddhists can understand. This is a subtle point but extremely important. Do not feed solid food to a newborn as it may cause choking. Their bodies will adapt as they grow, similar to the human mind’s understanding of deep Dhamma concepts. ONLY a Lord Buddha can always find the appropriate language depending on the gati of his interlocutor. For example, you can discuss the theme of Kāma ragā with this person using the example of Jesus. Jesus and many of his disciples were single because they saw that marriage was an obstacle to a contemplative life. Priests and some pastors continue to respect celibacy. Until today there are Christian monks withdrawn from the world and who reach high spiritual levels. Buddhist monks are in the same situation. Jesus said that nothing in this world can defile our minds. All our defilement comes from our impure mind. This is the kind of debate that might spark interest in the Dhamma, depending on how open the person is.
14 Again Jesus called the crowd to him and said, “Listen to me, everyone, and understand this. 15 Nothing outside a person can defile them by going into them. Rather, it is what comes out of a person that defiles them.” [16] [a]
17 After he had left the crowd and entered the house, his disciples asked him about this parable. 18 “Are you so dull?” he asked. “Don’t you see that nothing that enters a person from the outside can defile them? 19 For it doesn’t go into their heart but into their stomach, and then out of the body.” (In saying this, Jesus declared all foods clean.)
20 He went on: “What comes out of a person is what defiles them. For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come—sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and defile a person.
Also, this desana is very good for them.
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The story of Ugga, who was an anagami, serves as an example. Ugga, a man with 4 wives, became an anagami after listening to a discourse by Lord Buddha. As an anagami, he had no attachment to the world (Kāma loka). He told his 4 wives that they could either stay, in which case he would consider them as sisters, or leave to find new husbands. Despite no longer having romantic attachments, he allowed them to stay so they could accumulate Kusulas. Even though he no longer had romantic attachments, he still wished them well.
Sisters, I’ve undertaken the five training rules with celibacy as the fifth.
‘mayā kho, bhaginiyo, brahmacariyapañcamāni sikkhāpadāni samādinnāni.
If you wish, you may stay here, enjoy my wealth, and do good deeds. Or you can return to your own family.
Yā icchati sā idheva bhoge ca bhuñjatu puññāni ca karotu, sakāni vā ñātikulāni gacchatu.
Or would you prefer if I gave you to another man?’
Hoti vā pana purisādhippāyo, kassa vo dammī’ti?
When I said this, my eldest wife said to me:
Evaṁ vutte, sā, bhante, jeṭṭhā pajāpati maṁ etadavoca:
‘Master, please give me to such-and-such a man.’
‘itthannāmassa maṁ, ayyaputta, purisassa dehī’ti.
Then I summoned that man. Taking my wife with my left hand and a ceremonial vase with my right, I presented her to that man with the pouring of water.
Atha kho ahaṁ, bhante, taṁ purisaṁ pakkosāpetvā vāmena hatthena pajāpatiṁ gahetvā dakkhiṇena hatthena bhiṅgāraṁ gahetvā tassa purisassa oṇojesiṁ.
But I can’t recall getting upset while giving away my teenage wife.
Komāriṁ kho panāhaṁ, bhante, dāraṁ pariccajanto nābhijānāmi cittassa aññathattaṁ.
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