[Damithu]

Hello Lal , (you may have seen my recent reply to Saurabh’s comment, I hope you don’t mind if I restate the contents of that reply with my own post)

I am in a dark place in my life right now, due to the fact that I’ve fallen back into bad habits and patterns. This has been happening for about a month now, and everyday I feel more hopelessness and a feeling that I am not worthy of anything, including studying the Dhamma. I feel ashamed to say this, but I had an argument with my mother (which rarely ever happens), and this past month I have been acting coldly toward both my mother and father, and I feel intense irritation toward them; I know that this is heavy akusala kamma, but sometimes I cannot control myself. They are extremely good at “pressing my buttons”.

Overally, this past month has not been the best one for me. I haven’t visited this website in over a month. I’ve done some akusala kamma, like the instance I stated above, and this makes me feel “dirty”. I have been consumed by kama raga; I feel unworthy to study Dhamma, and I have this belief that I have to overcome these negative habits in order to be clean enough to continue on my path to Sotapanna. But then there is another problem. I have a very little inclination to study the Dhamma, and I’ve lost almost all sense of urgency. Part of me knows that this is a problem, but I can’t bring myself to study the Dhamma,

How do I regain the sense of urgency to study the Dhamma? How do I regain that sense of wonder and reverence to the Dhamma that I once had? Thank you.

[Lal]

Hello Damithu,

A person can go through such stages. Of course, that stops once one attains the Sotapanna stage, after which there is no going back.

• You may want to think about what caused that reversal.
• It could be because you started associating with bad friends. I am just guessing, but that is a strong possibility. The Buddha taught that associating with bad friends and distancing yourself from good friends is a root cause of one’s problems. Your parents and school/Dhamma teachers fall into the latter category. The “Maṅgala Sutta (kp 5)” describing the factors that can lead to one’s progress/benefit starts with that instruction. 
• Since you are back in school, focusing on your studies can also help you get back to your earlier mindset.  

1 user thanked author for this post.

Damithu

[Saurabh@2110]

Damithu wrote:

Hello Lal , (you may have seen my recent reply to Saurabh’s comment, I hope you don’t mind if I restate the contents of that reply with my own post)

I am in a dark place in my life right now, due to the fact that I’ve fallen back into bad habits and patterns. This has been happening for about a month now, and everyday I feel more hopelessness and a feeling that I am not worthy of anything, including studying the Dhamma. I feel ashamed to say this, but I had an argument with my mother (which rarely ever happens), and this past month I have been acting coldly toward both my mother and father, and I feel intense irritation toward them; I know that this is heavy akusala kamma, but sometimes I cannot control myself. They are extremely good at “pressing my buttons”.

Overally, this past month has not been the best one for me. I haven’t visited this website in over a month. I’ve done some akusala kamma, like the instance I stated above, and this makes me feel “dirty”. I have been consumed by kama raga; I feel unworthy to study Dhamma, and I have this belief that I have to overcome these negative habits in order to be clean enough to continue on my path to Sotapanna. But then there is another problem. I have a very little inclination to study the Dhamma, and I’ve lost almost all sense of urgency. Part of me knows that this is a problem, but I can’t bring myself to study the Dhamma,

How do I regain the sense of urgency to study the Dhamma? How do I regain that sense of wonder and reverence to the Dhamma that I once had? Thank you.

Since I thought you were expecting response from me and also it would be good if I address this here than to reply to that earlier reply of yours, here I go.

[Whatever I am trying to say is secondary to what venerable lal sir says.]

It may be hard to believe, but I have been in the same situation as you. I literally was hating my parents so much that I was cursing my fate to have born to them. But thanks to triple jewels (kalyanmitta) that I stopped that. When I got in sense again, I realized that, though my parents, as human beings are not good or not worthy to be followed as they expect me, the very fact that – they have given birth to me, and not just that, cared for me when I was helpless – alone outweighs their current stupidity/wrong behaviour (from my pov) (not just towards themselves but towards some other people). I see it as – even if parents may not understand as I expect them to, their intention is that of my well-being. In buddha’s teachings, intention is central towards karma, so even if they are suggesting incorrect things to me about my behavior or any other thing, their intention is always good towards me! I personally belief that parents are closer to ariya/noble beings than any other being for us, certainly upto some level. See, (I am saying this through faith) noble/ariya beings don’t wish to hurt/harm anyone, furthermore they wish for well-being of others, (forgive my vague definitions), and parents kind of are the same, although only towards their kids (us). They basically can’t hate us outright and cannot wish to harm us knowingly, at all. Then I realized that, I need to grow up fast and stand on my feet so that my parents will actually listen to me. Since then I try sometimes to visualize my parents as they were my kids (I used to visualize my mom as stupid daughter I had without any choice and father as stubborn son I had, and no other way left than to deal with them, off course one of them from another family but now under my care, just for visualization’s sake). Try thinking like that, it might work or give you some other helpful ideas, if this issue would bug you too much. Because one thing I observed from many parents including my own is that, kids are hard to deal with because you can’t even blame them as they have taken birth through you and it was your (parents’) choice. Since then I believe that, dealing with parents (repaying everything they did for you, guiding them towards dhamma, off course only after one has went towards it), is slightly easier than dealing with stupid kids born to you (you definitely don’t have to believe this, its just my opinion).

Regarding those habits (Hoping that my assumption is correct), they are normal I would say, but not good habits in any case. This was vague part, now here is part I heard (though I believe this, you don’t have to unless it logically seems appropriate to you as per teachings of buddha), one cannot attain/be sotapanna, unless the energy goes upward completely. So I thought that those habits actually directly go against that goal of energy going upwards as engaging in those habits makes energy flow downwards. One general suggestion I would give is that, one cannot stop these habits directly by suppression, so think about adding things to your personality/life goals instead of focusing on stopping them directly. You should not have time to engage with them. I heard one saying, an empty mind is devil’s workshop, so make sure you are never idle, as much as you can. (I don’t think this general suggestion would have helped me even a little bit during my past, even if anybody had given it to me, but throwing here just in case)

Lastly I would say one thing, don’t be hard on yourself, everyone has past they would hate (talking generally not about ariyas) and regret, so the first person you should care for is you. In metta bhavana, it starts from oneself, then our teacher/guide (assuming he is ariya) and then our parents and then so on. So I took responsibility of my past habits and actions and forgave myself long ago, mainly because I realized the benefits in not engaging in those habits, so I have just became more selfish (in a good way).

(P.S. – I hope I didn’t say anything I shouldn’t have lal sir. If I did, edit or delete my post, else ignore this. I don’t fully understand what to say where and what not to, yet.)

1 user thanked author for this post.

Damithu

[Damithu]

I apologize for the late resposnse, but thank you very much for your advice both Lal sir and Saurabh. This advice has helped me a lot, and I will continue on my path of improvement.

[Heart’s Release By Love]

In the hopes you and others are encouraged in a “you’re not in this alone” way, here’s a not-brief-at-all “yeah, I feel you” (sorry, I’m terrible at brevity, and avoiding tangent after tangent, as my mind has always refused to remain on one steady course):

===

I, too, have been struggling hard to be consistent with… well, any long-term or even short-term goal at all, but in this case with my Dhamma studies, contemplations, and most importantly practice “off the pillow” (or in my case, computer chair). Including other less important but still imperative householder-maintenance[1] like reasonable (ie, sticking to the Pareto Principle or “80/20 Rule”) diet and exercise, finances, wholesome association, and so on[2].

So I too myself in a similar sinking ship as you. I can empathize[3] with you, having once again fallen back into old bad habits generating much anxiety and depression. In my case: video games, junk food, porn, perpetual wordy warfare with not only family but complete strangers followed by intense shame-and-guilt cycles[4], and so on. From which I’ve no idea how to escape from being continually chipped away at, to even establishing a firm foothold on self-discipline, of being even a remotely effective person (a nod at the famous 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey). It’s like every time I make even a little progress in anything at all, inevitably I’m knocked all the way back to even further back than I began again and again, dejected and defeated at the apparent utter futility of even trying at all.

That is, other than simply giving up on every little worldly dream I ever had (even the very basics most people never have to think about, little else than the bare-minimum of food and shelter), to trying my best at “letting go” (whatever that means). And instead focus on trying but mostly failing to fulfill paramitas in the flimsy hopes of being reborn into more fertile soil next time. Then from there work to leave behind this whole sordid affair of mundane existence. So I never again have to experience this world, where the rare times I ever catch a brief hold of even a moment of joy, it always prove hollow and shallow. And so as far as I can tell, there is ultimately only suffering in the world — I’ve had a vague sense of this even decades before I knew anything of Buddhism other than cute little statues of a smiling fat guy at local Chinese buffets, and if it weren’t for the Internet, that’d be the end of even a tiny awareness that there existed Buddha Dhamma.

(To continue being vague on specifics so as to avoid “trauma-dumping” any more than I have [sorry]: I’m 100% certain I had too unfortunate a birth to accomplish anything approaching stream-entry in this life, so I’m at a loss as to what else to do but to cross my fingers that my next lives won’t be even worse, even though they probably will be all things considered.)

~~

In fact, by eerie coincidence, one of my old Bible Study friends — who (as an aside) I still feel like I’m lying-by-omission since I never let anyone but my closest friends and family I no longer believe in Jesus — forwarded me a short clip (which I’ll only link a screenshot so no one has to watch such a thing) with comforting words on stressing out over this-that-and-the-other, to which .. well, as far as I know, the Buddha too says everything happens for a reason due to kamma and all that with or without gods or a God watching over me, if I understood such even vaguely.

And so, to this I replied,

> I hope few others but me, and the ultra-rare others who can see the real me, how I just now self-flagellated out of overwhelming shame and guilt for feeling like an abysmal failure at adulthood and utter embarrassment at manhood for the several-thousandth time since I was supposed to grow up over 20 years ago…

==

But anyway, enough navel-gazing. I can only hope (I’m not sure “pray” is the proper term) that you, I, and all of us reach the one safe haven from sorrow and pain by attaining the freedom of perfect peace, through however miles of muddy muck we have to keep trudging through no matter how many times we faceplant and are swept back by swampy currents, to finally find the Eightfold Path.

1) Knowing it’ll all be futile in the end, which is murderous to my motivation to be honest.

2) My poor health, finances, and relationships (not just romantic!) have been deep and pervasive sources of stress and grief as far back as I can remember. But other than briefly touching upon them where tenuously relevent, most of that I’m sure is beyond the scope of a Buddhism forum. “Render unto the Buddha’s what is the Buddha’s, render unto therapists and nutritionists…” and so on.

3) Sympathy and empathy are often, but incorrectly, used interchangeably. A quick mnemonic: sympathy is looking down at one fallen down a hole and saying “I’m sorry you’re down in that hole!” and empathy is being in the hole with them and saying “It’s dark in here, how are you holding up?” Similarly I think, if I recall correctly, the Latin or Greek root word(s) for compassion (which I think is how karuṇa, the second brahma vihara or Four Immesurables, is usually translated into English) means something like “to suffer with”.

4)
Among many other of my subscription of issues and complicated life situation which, not only would be well beyond the scope of any forum dedicated to Buddha Dhamma, but would be rude to drop on strangers or even close friends and family unsolicited. There’s no one coming to save me, my kamma is my own even if none of us ever had the chance to “read the fine print” until a Buddha arises to independently find and share the “social contract”, as it were.

Born in a dark class, seeking brighter results.

[Author]

Posts