I’m pointing the way out for you in your struggle. You trying to first experience things without approaching Dhamma in practical/experiential way but expect to have understanding and experience before any efforts towards it – you are trying to achieve impossible, the quicker you get this the better for you and your future. From the start of being you have been pretty much antagonistic approach to Lal, this forum and message of Buddha here. I hope you are not just plain-trolling us but if you are sincerely about practice this is your time to turn into effort and do not hang over all time. Some questions can be only answered thru direct experience.
There are things beyond existing or not-existing, they are not graspable by mind and your thinking process, you will not figure it out that way. To understand Dhamma one needs to attain some factors of Nibbana to have at least glimpse of how things are so they turn into experience and wisdom. This is not hard to understand – just approach it the way I explained and for sure one way or another benefits will come. Start even with being moral and develop STRONG Sati so benefits will be there even just in mundane way.
You can not have idea how to be buff if you are just thinking about how it is – you need to start lift, learn about diet and supplements etc. same here, once you learn what to do – you do it and then you know it how it is – no other way around.