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Long ago, I had my gallbladder surgically removed due to gallstones, and I was prescribed prescription opioids for the next few weeks of post-operation agony. The pain never diminished, but I simply “didn’t care”, only silly-happy relief for a little while. And for hours after each dose (which was to be taken every four hours day and night) I felt comfortable warm rhythms up and down my arms, legs, torso, face…
This was about the time before I was into Buddhism proper, being more interested in generalist “shopping the spiritual marketplace”. Back then I casually practiced several different forms of what I now know to be kasina meditation. I learned a visualization technique from an audiobook by– I forget whom, I only remember his Australian accent, and that he liked to say “To be enlightened is to be ordinary.” I realize these days that such a statement is merely a “deepity”: a phrase that at first may FEEL profound and meaningful, but really isn’t upon examination.
Maybe months after, I think I was visiting that surgeon again for a checkup to see how I was holding up. In the large waiting area (no walls, high ceiling, multiple floors…), I was mostly alone and there was barely any background noise other than the occasional distant footsteps. I think it was early morning, hence why the whole hospital seemed empty and quiet.
So while waiting I closed my eyes, pictured the inside of my body as a pitch dark cavern (the “walls” being my skin), and imagined a little point of light with rays being pulled into its center. I don’t know how long I did but I kept visualizing this light and its rays until I could make it appear extremely detailed and bright. Then I slowly imagined moving this point of light throughout my “empty” body, rays bouncing off the “walls” of the “cavern” up my arm, then down my leg, then moving about my chest, behind my face, and so on and so forth. It wasn’t long before the same warm pulsations enveloped my whole body, like waves slowly splashing over me again and again.
I’m not sure when I stopped, but I know for the rest of the day I felt light as a feather and unbothered. Maybe my unfocused “warm fuzzies” were a big reason (…also was struggling with my phone to get GPS to locate the road I was on) I had a car crash not long after. Oops. But even during that crisis, I kept perfectly calm: coordinating multiple phone calls to my insurance, the police, my family to come get me (I was far from home, in a giant and world-famous city I’d only been to once before), the person I rear-ended because I didn’t notice the truck in front of me only the light that just turned green, and so on. It was only maybe the next day or two when “what have I done?! what am I going to do!?” hit me.
I’m not sure if this meditation was anything special, but I’ve always been fascinated by this one time I recreated an opioid high using meditation alone. Unlike when I was on drugs, that “meditation high” I didn’t leave me emotionally giddy. This next time was a kind of happiness and peace which was low and deep. I’d never experienced the likes of this before. The only other time I had a sensation this intense — in fact more powerful — was a “religious experience” which convinced me to fully embrace formal faith for a time, because I assumed I’d directly felt the love of the Abrahamic God. (That can be for another thread.) But I have felt many short teasings of this low and steady calm when reading Dhamma (such as here and on Sutta Central) and if I really get into it during my daily recitations. (I sometimes imagine I’m speaking to another, someone sad or even crying, for some reason it helps me focus.)
Though the “flavor” of the calm depends: sometimes during metta chants I can feel a sweet, cooled, pink upswelling in my chest, shoulders, arms, and face. I have no idea how I identify this sensation as “pink” or “sweet”, but when it’s there I want to hug or comfort someone, even a stranger. But sometimes during the hellfire preaching of asubha bhavana, or accounts of deva-lord Sakka winning victory by fine words, I instead feel strong and inspired.
(I remember you’re not supposed to worship deities, and no one is more worthy than Lord Buddha. But oftentimes the Blessed One feels so unreachable, like he’s above a mountain so high it’s obscured by clouds. So there are a few Noble Friends from the Tipiṭaka I see as role models for a specific area [like Sakka’s patience and forbearance] who seem a little more, ironically, down to earth. And in this way I’m trying to defy the third micchā diṭṭhi that says “respecting and making offerings to those with higher virtues has no merits” [#3].)
O Vāsava!
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What you experienced is similar to what those who practice breath ‘meditation’ experience.
- Real meditation means contemplation (of Dhamma concepts that lead to a permanent solution to suffering in the rebirth process), not just focusing the mind on an inert object like the breath.
- It is a misnomer to call focusing the mind on the breath (or any kasina object, like a fire or a bowl of water) ‘meditation’. There is nothing to do but focus the mind on an inert object. How can that stop the arising of immoral thoughts when one is engaged in normal day-to-day activities?
- Of course, focusing the mind on an inert object temporarily stops the mind from generating greedy, angry, or ignorant thoughts. That can even lead to anariya jhanic experiences, which are also useless.
- See “Breath Meditation Is Addictive and Harmful in the Long Run.”
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“Breath Meditation Is Addictive and Harmful in the Long Run”
Thank you for that. I’m finally seeing how little value there is in “no-mind” like a rock or a brick, and I’m sure not a single stone has attained stream-entry. No matter how good it feels, I bet it would feel much better to seek a permanent solution as many have taught. Thank you again for steering us in the right direction!
As a long-time gym-goer, I see a parallel. Not to say sitting and focusing on a neutral object is anywhere near as harmful as bodybuilding (usually stressing over diets and injuring yourself, often taking dangerous substances, just for another centimeter on your biceps), but it seems it may be about as fruitless in the long run. I’m glad to leave behind both mentalities to learn and contemplate, and only pursue just enough fitness and nutrition to be healthy (mostly mental health!) as long as I can. And I’m even gladder for learning the real purpose of meditation from the sangha.
O Vāsava!
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I am glad you understood.
- By the way, what do you mean by “O Vāsava!” at the end of your posts?
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“what do you mean by ‘O Vāsava!’ at the end of your posts?”
I finish most of my chants with the customary “Sādhu! Sādhu! Sādhu!” But any involving Sakka (such as Dubbaṇṇiya Sutta [SN 11:22] and Subhāsitajayasutta
[SN 11.5]) I end with “O Vāsava! O Vāsava! O Vāsava!” to, I suppose, try and feel I’m putting on Sakka’s armor of forbearance and shield of patience against anger and hate. It seems so silly after writing it out, and perhaps I am being silly after examining my reasoning. And maybe it’s not appropriate, also come to think of it?O Vāsava!
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Thank you! I was just curious what it was.
- It is up to you. But “Sādhu! Sādhu! Sādhu!” or even without that seems OK to me.
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Thank you once more for the assurance, as I often ruminate needlessly if I’m doing something wrong.
As for the aforementioned “religious experience”, I now doubt it warrants elaboration. I’m certain it was roughly the same process and result — days, at most a week, of unvarying warmth throughout my whole body, that I convinced myself was “God’s love” — so describing that event, and what lead up to it, more than I have probably wouldn’t be helpful or informative.
Long story short: after decades of searching, I’m done taking any other refuge than the Three Jewels. I can’t thank you enough for .helping guide us to the Buddha’s teachings about the truth of nature and how to permanently solve the problem of suffering!
O Vāsava!
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