[Julian312]

Hello, 

I just want to tell some personal story about how misleading interpretations of Buddha dhamma really messed up my mental wellbeing over the last decade, and maybe hope for some guidance on how to clear that up.

13 years ago, after my father died and at the age of 22, I got into a deep search of what is truth and what life and death really means. I am from germany, so during my lifetime I came into contact mainly with protestant christianity, but wasnt really interested in that. Shortly after my father died, I also lost my job and some very close friends moved to other cities, so I fell into depression. I was jobless, then went to school again and then started studying. During that years I had a lot of time and went though many kinds of religions, history, conspiracy theories and all that kind of stuff you go though when you have a lot of time, are depressed and are on a search for reason. I wanted to believe in god at first, but there were too many doubts and I just couldnt accept something I couldnt prove to myself. So, slowly I changed to buddhism, because it was the only option that doesnt wants me to believe in something but casually says “disprove me if you can”. But I was also afraid of this big task and still am, because I was very alone in this. And also, I drastically messed up my way of thinking, because initially, also fired by my depression, I understood buddhism as “nothing really matters”. 

In germany, if you search for buddhism, you are mainly confronted with very westernized versions of buddhism, zen buddhism, secular buddhism and buddhism mixed with all kinds of other stuff. Also it is very hard to find teachings that go beyond entry level buddhism and the main idea I often got is, that everything will fade anyway, so why care? Dont think about it, dont be angry, dont be greedy, or at best, dont think at all. I did the breath and walking Meditation, mahayana buddhism teaches you, a thousand times and even if there were rare times I got into deep relaxation, everything went back to normal shortly after. 

I fight with depression and panic attacks for 12 years now, always in the hope, that buddhism would heal me, but the way I understood it, actually decreaed my mental well-being. I am calm and relaxed on the outside and people like me, because I have such calm vibes, but I am annoyed literally all the time. I react with annoyance on things on the outside and things on the inside, fighting with my thoughts all the time. I learned, that nothing really matters, so if I felt anger about something, I tried to shove it away, telling myself that it doesnt matter anyway, so why should I be angry about that? But that doesnt solve the Initial anger, so everytime I did this I just increased my worldview of nothing matters, nothing on the outside and my thoughts and feelings as well. 

Today I am in my 5th week of stationary therapy that goes 8 hours a day, because my mental fighting and conflicts lead to many bodily aches and pains as well and I am just not capable of living a normal life anymore. The last two weeks I was confronted by my therapists and fellow patients, that my worldview of “I just dont care”, that I often proclaimed, is just not true, because I do care about a lot of stuff, since I showed that I have good words for other people, eat no meat and love my family and friends. And yesterday I realized that point, that it is the misleading Interpretation of buddhism that lead me here, thinking, that there is no point in anything. 

Around 2 years ago, I found the jethavanarama and theory of everything Youtube channels, that are also recommended here in the forum, and I realized that meditating alone wont get me anywhere. Although I also have read and listened to Buddha dhamma before, the jethavanarama channels gave me insights I havent had before and I understood that i need to focus on the dhamma. But it couldnt decrease my suffering. Around 2 months ago I finally found this page and I understood how deep the teaching actually goes and how far away I was from it. I wish I could say now that this page got me in a better mood, but this is not the case yet. But this page and my therapy actually led to yesterdays realisation, that it is not “nothing matters”, but “everything matters”. Although it is the stuff “everywhere around me and inside me”, that is keeping me in samsara, I cant deny that i am part of it and that my thoughts and feelings about it arise automatically as long as I havent reached arahanthood or at least some lower magga phala. Everything I do, talk and think has consequences as long as there is san, so how can one say that nothing matters? Trying to disconnect from everything and ignoring my feelings, shoving away every bad thought, brought me far far away from inner peace and not closer.

So I will continue studying the dhamma and I am very thankful for this page, but I also realized how bad my search for the truth messed me up and I hope the clouds in my mind will start lifting soon. 

I think I just wanted to get this off my heart. Thanks for reading

 

• This topic was modified 2 days ago by Julian312.
• This topic was modified 2 days ago by Julian312.

[Lal]

Thank you, Julian, for sharing your journey with us.

You wrote: “But this page and my therapy actually led to yesterdays realisation, that it is not “nothing matters”, but “everything matters”.

• That is profoundly true. Everything matters. You just need to sort out which matters more! 

1. By the way, in a related subject, it is beneficial to understand which types of immoral deeds (kamma) one should pay more attention to. Most people worry about killing ants/bugs while walking on the ground, but they don’t hesitate to verbally abuse or physically hurt another human. The latter is a much worse kamma; the first is not really a kamma (or a deed with kammic consequences) because no one has the ‘intention’ of killing ants/bugs while they walk; it just happens.

• See “How to Evaluate Weights of Different Kamma” that I just revised quickly.
   

2. When the Buddha stated that ‘this world is filled with suffering,’ he meant something deeper than just the ‘feeling of pain with an injury or a sickness or even depression.’ 

• All living beings are trapped in a rebirth process among 31 realms. We can only ‘see’ two realms: the human and animal realms. 
• In the long run, any living being spends the most time in one of the four lowest realms (apayas). Since we can see the suffering animals in the wild experience (not the dogs or cats living among humans), we can get an idea of the possible suffering.
• I need to revise more of my older posts on the basics. It is just that I’ve focused on deeper aspects of Buddha’s teachings over the past 3-4 years, and I am still uncovering more.
• My apologies to all those who are new to Buddha’s teachings. Most of the new posts over the past few years require a deeper understanding of Buddha’s teachings.

3. For the benefit of those who are fairly new to Buddha’s teachings, the following sections could be ‘easier to digest’ and also may provide the necessary background: ” Moral Living and Fundamentals,” “Living Dhamma” and “Dhammapada.”

• Just scan through the post titles and select ones that seem interesting/informative.
• For those with a scientific background, the “Dhamma and Science” section could be informative.
• Please don’t hesitate to ask questions. It would be helpful to provide the link or at least the title of the post if the question(s) relate to a specific post.

[Julian312]

Thank you for your comment. 

“Most people worry about killing ants/bugs while walking on the ground, but they don’t hesitate to verbally abuse or physically hurt another human. The latter is a much worse kamma;”

Since every upadanarupa is in my mind, I understand, that my anger is directed at “myself” or my own mind, although it seems to be outer things that anger me. I am annoyed that I have to deal with everyday stuff and cant find the reason to do anything. Talking exhausts me and dealing with other people as well as politics, jobs, capitalism, relationships and all kind of stuff.

So these stuff are anicca, but I dont know how not to react with anger to it. I tried to change my gati and as I said, I have this calm vibes, I couldnt hurt anyone, I dont steal, I eat vegan, I dont slander, I dont lie for my benefit, although I sometimes lie when someone asks me about my well-being, but that shouldnt get me into deep depression. I think I need to work on my harsh speech, because my inability to concentrate and anxiety and my disinterest in almost everything, leads to short sentences that dont show too much compassion and I just “press” the words out. Also I am not really sure what harsh speech actually means.

So I am left with ill-will and greed and ignorance. I am greedy for porn, but I did pauses for weeks and months without any effects. I have a lot of physical pain and illnesses and some doctors said at least some of them have to be psychosomatic (have mental problems as their cause), because they cant find a bodily cause. And I also see for myself how tensed I am and how mental stress inflicts pain and problems on my body. But just seeing my anger and trying to change my gati, doing metta and being generous hasnt done anything yet.

I havent gained any fruits yet, no cooling down, over all this years, and it is exhausting, because I avoid most akusala kamma and am still just confronted with my agitated mind.

So once again a lot of text from me without really saying something. I hope writing this down will clear things up for me and I will also start reading your recommendations, thank you. 

[Lal]

This isn’t directed at you, but I think it makes sense for everyone. 

1. The mind and the physical body rely on each other. A healthy body is necessary to maintain mental health, and a healthy mind (free of too much greed, anger, and ignorance about the world) helps maintain a healthy body free of ailments.

• This is easy to see in older people who have not paid attention to it over the years. They have not paid attention to eating well and exercising regularly. They have spent most of their time watching porn or movies, sitting on the couch all day. 
• A healthy body is essential for mental health. A healthy mind understands the need to maintain a healthy physical body, especially a healthy brain. All our sensory inputs come through the brain. When the brain fails (Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s disease are examples), the mind inevitably fails.

2. I have seen for myself the truth of those general guidelines. Here are some habits I have developed over the years that help me maintain mental and physical health. If one gets sick or spends most of the time in depression, that does not allow enough time to learn and follow Buddha’s teachings.

• Avoid coffee as the first thing in the morning. Drink a glass of water with a bit of lemon juice as the first thing.
• Avoid carb-heavy breakfast foods and choose more protein-rich options. In general, eat healthy foods. By the way, the Buddha did not ask even bhikkhus to abstain from eating meat. But if it bothers one’s conscience, it is better to avoid it; just make sure to get enough supplements to make up the difference.
• Consuming alcohol and drugs are among the worst things one can do, other than eating junk food and not getting enough exercise.
• Exercise regularly. Go for a walk whenever possible, best after a meal. Try to build up to going for a few-mile hike in the woods at least once a week. 
• These days, we are fortunate to have AI bots that provide information on health issues, both mental and physical. It is good to have an inquiring mind. 
• Of course, spend time learning Buddha’s teachings whenever possible. One can start at a basic level and build up. They go to unbelievable depths. I have spent nearly every day for the past ten to fifteen years learning the teachings, and I am still learning. 

3. Living a simple life is a basic foundation for a healthy mind and a healthy body.

• One should be happy to start another day, gaining more wisdom and thereby moving toward a ‘peaceful mind.’ 
• Many people believe Buddha Dhamma is for depressed people. It is the other way around. A ‘real Buddhist’ is one who is happy and content. They don’t seek too many material possessions. They understand that happiness is entirely in the mind, but a healthy body is also important for maintaining that calm, peaceful mind. 

2 users thanked author for this post.

Heart's Release By Love, Julian312

[Julian312]

“Avoid carb-heavy breakfast foods and choose more protein-rich options. In general, eat healthy foods. By the way, the Buddha did not ask even bhikkhus to abstain from eating meat.”

I am actually very surprised about this and was once again mislead by Mahayana Buddhism. I read this article now and things became clearer: https://www.suttavinaya.com/media/pdf/The-Buddhas-View-on-Meat-Eating-March-2008.pdf. In the last few years I have eaten meat if something was left from someone else, so it would be not thrown away, or on specific occasions. Maybe I will be less strict in the future, but I still think the suffering we impose on cattle in todays times is not comparable to the time of the Buddha. 

[Lal]

The following post could also be helpful:

Is It Necessary for a Buddhist to Eliminate Sensual Desires?

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